Alone with this
bruised and broken
crushing weight
devastates
everything within
forsaken and weary in this
guilt I wear
habitually tied to myself
I find no
joyful recourse
knotting our moments together
love lost in the disarray of
memories and “should have beens”
neglecting
once held
peace which now alludes me in frantic paces
questions quietly weigh down my thoughts
rampant disillusionment seeks me out
suffering through sleepless nights
tormenting myself with
“Until we meet again” and
vivid imaginations of
what I could have done (or said)
Excerpts to what I had begun
yielding a different outcome yet knowing in the end the answer lies in
zilch
Friday, September 28, 2018
My Grief is a Garden
My Grief is a garden
Rampant weeds stretch out
Coiling themselves around what used to blossom there
Clogging the soil of my heart
Choking out the bloom of reason
This new garden thrives under the caress of my tears
Tears which spill out,
pouring in thick,
heavy
splotches
Hitting my earth with a thud
Soaking into the fertile ground of loss
Rampant weeds stretch out
Coiling themselves around what used to blossom there
Clogging the soil of my heart
Choking out the bloom of reason
This new garden thrives under the caress of my tears
Tears which spill out,
pouring in thick,
heavy
splotches
Hitting my earth with a thud
Soaking into the fertile ground of loss
The Sorrow
The sorrow
The sorrow
is a black stone that weighs me down
It is a harsh and frigid winter morning of pale grey light
It is a brisk feathered breeze off the ocean of your absence
The sorrow is found in the solitude of your silence
In each thought that trails back to you and lingers there
It lies in the pit of my belly
Curling into a constant ache
The sorrow clings a mask of regret upon my face
Its eyes are an endless crimson sky
Its mouth a gaping wound that swallows my heart in mournful wail
The sorrow feeds itself
Expanding in this Universe of inbetween sky and reason
And burns out the sun in its pain
Burdens the soul with things left undone
and smudges the edges of each new day
The sorrow brings little comfort or joy
A discoloration of content
It is every stolen breath
It is the end of peace
The sorrow is a season
Long and slow like shadows that stretch out
Tumbling and gushing like the ebb and flow on the sea of my hope
That soon a new dawn will come
It is a harsh and frigid winter morning of pale grey light
It is a brisk feathered breeze off the ocean of your absence
The sorrow is found in the solitude of your silence
In each thought that trails back to you and lingers there
It lies in the pit of my belly
Curling into a constant ache
The sorrow clings a mask of regret upon my face
Its eyes are an endless crimson sky
Its mouth a gaping wound that swallows my heart in mournful wail
The sorrow feeds itself
Expanding in this Universe of inbetween sky and reason
And burns out the sun in its pain
Burdens the soul with things left undone
and smudges the edges of each new day
The sorrow brings little comfort or joy
A discoloration of content
It is every stolen breath
It is the end of peace
The sorrow is a season
Long and slow like shadows that stretch out
Tumbling and gushing like the ebb and flow on the sea of my hope
That soon a new dawn will come
Saturday, July 21, 2018
I say goodbye
I kissed my mother's cheek
Shook my fathers hand
My throat constricted tight with all the words I could not say
so I nod and smile
And I set my face so they would not see my fear
for what awaits
Shook my fathers hand
My throat constricted tight with all the words I could not say
so I nod and smile
And I set my face so they would not see my fear
for what awaits
Their forced smiles bright
Forced smiles that wore away their youth
We made light, as best we could in such circumstances
Yet my mothers hug lingered
And my fathers hand clasped mine tight, till the knuckles were splotched white
Forced smiles that wore away their youth
We made light, as best we could in such circumstances
Yet my mothers hug lingered
And my fathers hand clasped mine tight, till the knuckles were splotched white
I am no longer a child
But how I long to curl myself against them
To melt into the protective shield of my mothers arms
But how I long to curl myself against them
To melt into the protective shield of my mothers arms
I say goodbye
I lie pressed against soggy earth
Its cool embrace brings no comfort
Never again will I feel my mothers kiss upon my cheek
My breathe comes out in sharp-edged gasps
I cannot stop the fear from rising and crashing like a broken shore
for what awaits
Its cool embrace brings no comfort
Never again will I feel my mothers kiss upon my cheek
My breathe comes out in sharp-edged gasps
I cannot stop the fear from rising and crashing like a broken shore
for what awaits
My blood empties itself into that dark, unfamiliar land
Dust to dust
My hands, knuckle white, washed crimson, clutch against the gaping wound in the landscape of my body
I feel nothing
No pain
No peace
Only fear
fear that has worn away my youth
I feel nothing
No pain
No peace
Only fear
fear that has worn away my youth
I am only a child
I long for the protective shield of my mothers arms
The firm grasp of my fathers hands
I long for the protective shield of my mothers arms
The firm grasp of my fathers hands
I say goodbye
(written Anzac Day 2018) (- 100 Years)
Monday, April 18, 2016
NaPoWriMo -April 18th
My relentless fortitude
Fades into oblivion
Dissolves away the pain
Where sky and sea collide
Restart the day
And play it safe
And play it safe
Restart the day
Where sea and sky collide
Dissolves away the pain
Fades into oblivion
My relentless fortitude
Fades into oblivion
Dissolves away the pain
Where sky and sea collide
Restart the day
And play it safe
And play it safe
Restart the day
Where sea and sky collide
Dissolves away the pain
Fades into oblivion
My relentless fortitude
NaPoWriMo - April 13th Where to from here?
Where to from here
That may be the actual question
It's not enough to be
Or not to be
Or do
Or do not
Where to from here
When you are down
And not quite out
Thinking about the 'what if's'
And could be's
And should have been...
Like it ain't already hard enough
Work too hard
For nothing
No gains
Nothing remains
Only pains
And my suffering is a failure that I push upon myself
Denying my joy as all possibilities suffocate
Left to my fate
To stay
To go
To waste away
Wallow in more years of hollow victories in being the
'Perfect, passionate person.'
And it doesn't mean much
Except everything
Watching others clamber up the carcass of those they willingly sacrifice in the gauntlet to get ahead
Wish my ego had that kind of tenacity and no sense of justice or 'do good to all.'
Then maybe I would join them
A lofty view won by turning people into commodities
A vision navigated by fear and circumvented by insecurity
While people like me, still attached to their integrity, wonder
Where to from here?
That may be the actual question
It's not enough to be
Or not to be
Or do
Or do not
Where to from here
When you are down
And not quite out
Thinking about the 'what if's'
And could be's
And should have been...
Like it ain't already hard enough
Work too hard
For nothing
No gains
Nothing remains
Only pains
And my suffering is a failure that I push upon myself
Denying my joy as all possibilities suffocate
Left to my fate
To stay
To go
To waste away
Wallow in more years of hollow victories in being the
'Perfect, passionate person.'
And it doesn't mean much
Except everything
Watching others clamber up the carcass of those they willingly sacrifice in the gauntlet to get ahead
Wish my ego had that kind of tenacity and no sense of justice or 'do good to all.'
Then maybe I would join them
A lofty view won by turning people into commodities
A vision navigated by fear and circumvented by insecurity
While people like me, still attached to their integrity, wonder
Where to from here?
NaPoWriMo- April 10th He Used to Call me on His Cell Phone
Somewhat to the tune of Drakes "Hotline Bling"
Lovingly mocking my darlings inability to remember where he set his phone down and the daily chaos that has since ensued looking for it. (Update: he brought a new one to tide him over because we, like most people, are used to living with the intimate convenience offered in the digital age.)
He used to call me on his cell phone
send me texts and pictures too
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost and he don't know what to do
Every evening was just the same
He would use it while he played a game
Or he'd watch a billion YouTube vids
or check out the latest Trade me bids
Yeah he used to call me on his cell phone
and I guess probably other people too
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost and he don't know what to do
We've searched through our entire house
but nothing stirred not even a mouse
We checked out the cars and garbage cans
but damn that phone it's like it grew legs and ran
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost legit
He used to call me on his cell phone
He should have put a ring on it
Lovingly mocking my darlings inability to remember where he set his phone down and the daily chaos that has since ensued looking for it. (Update: he brought a new one to tide him over because we, like most people, are used to living with the intimate convenience offered in the digital age.)
He used to call me on his cell phone
send me texts and pictures too
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost and he don't know what to do
Every evening was just the same
He would use it while he played a game
Or he'd watch a billion YouTube vids
or check out the latest Trade me bids
Yeah he used to call me on his cell phone
and I guess probably other people too
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost and he don't know what to do
We've searched through our entire house
but nothing stirred not even a mouse
We checked out the cars and garbage cans
but damn that phone it's like it grew legs and ran
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost legit
He used to call me on his cell phone
He should have put a ring on it
NaPoWriMo - April 17th - The man sleeps
The man sleeps
Gentle bellow into night
Gentle bellow into night
Rhythmic song pollutes the air
And I am jealous of his tune
My brain battles against the bliss of slumber
Like a leaky faucet that won't turn off
drip
drip
drip
and I lie here
Again
As usual
As always
Feeling that frantic need rise as I begin to clock watch
And the hours slip beyond my grasp
Still his cadence mocks my weary body
My mind cannot cease its discourse
A river runs through it
Drags me into its undertow
Submerged under the flow of memory in motion
I long to join his melody
A duet in harmony
If I could just get to sleep
NapoWriMo - April 16th - we are all observers
we are all observers
Opinions punctuated by experience
or conditioned to that train of thought
Is my belief my own
or is it just a trail blazed by suppositions and superstitions
we claim this edge of existence
but there are no absolution's that I am
or that this collective entity we named "humanity"
Is
Opinions punctuated by experience
or conditioned to that train of thought
Is my belief my own
or is it just a trail blazed by suppositions and superstitions
we claim this edge of existence
but there are no absolution's that I am
or that this collective entity we named "humanity"
Is
NaPoWriMo - April 15th - begin again
Faced with your passion
And it reignites the drive
And all that hopelessness you were feeling
Slides off to the side
And it's the thing that moves you
Stirs within
Swells
This reason for breathing
Begin again
And it reignites the drive
And all that hopelessness you were feeling
Slides off to the side
And it's the thing that moves you
Stirs within
Swells
This reason for breathing
Begin again
Thursday, April 14, 2016
NaPoWriMo - April 14th
It's palpable this feeling
Sticks to my bones, my heart, my mind
Surging even into dreams
With no care of illusions
Or thinly veiled pretense
No, even my dreams lack the shelter
A dream should afford
in the middle of the onslaught
of every day life
No hiding away from my feelings in the moment of REM
Lessons here
Circles back
A tired refrain
Stitched together out of emotionality and consent
Point and prods and pokes
"You listening yet?"
Sticks to my bones, my heart, my mind
Surging even into dreams
With no care of illusions
Or thinly veiled pretense
No, even my dreams lack the shelter
A dream should afford
in the middle of the onslaught
of every day life
No hiding away from my feelings in the moment of REM
Lessons here
Circles back
A tired refrain
Stitched together out of emotionality and consent
Point and prods and pokes
"You listening yet?"
NaPoWriMo - April 12
Little golden dots scattered on a sea of black
and the hallowed moon a lovers kiss on the sea beyond
from this vantage point, with the canvas of night,
A haze of light beckons life
and the hallowed moon a lovers kiss on the sea beyond
from this vantage point, with the canvas of night,
A haze of light beckons life
NaPoWriMo - April 11th Morning
My alarm blares
Rude awakening
And frankly; all too soon
It's unnatural to be up before the sun begins it's daily streak across the sky
No, I am not a morning person
Nor usually a mourning person
(unless the occasion calls for it)
But I feel it deep in my bones at 5am
My usual reluctance is compounded by the repetitive verse swinging around in my mind
I don't want to go to work
It's a lackluster feeling
Blunt truth after the demise of my resilience
And I hit the snooze
Yup, more than once
I hit it
Wishing it would snatch back a few hours
So i could muster the fire to keep going
But the morning is here to greet me
And other people's problems await
Time to pack away my own crisis of confidence
And paint on some determination to brave the day
I'm still here
I'm still alive
It counts for something
The snooze beckons me from my bed a final time
No more delays
or stalemates
Minutes have mounted
Ticked away
As time is wont to do
And that wee small thought is like a caress
That sees me through
The first day is the worst day
NaPoWriMo - April 9th Baby Bliss
bliss is a bouncing baby
wide smiles in recognition
little hands curling around your finger
and sweet noises of contentment nestling against your neck
perfection in this moment
and all of the worlds worries and chaos seem so minuscule
so trivial compared to all that is good
and this is good
this moment
this precious point of no return
my arms full
an outer reflection of my heart
and i could do this forever
holding
cooing
loving
the bliss of you
wide smiles in recognition
little hands curling around your finger
and sweet noises of contentment nestling against your neck
perfection in this moment
and all of the worlds worries and chaos seem so minuscule
so trivial compared to all that is good
and this is good
this moment
this precious point of no return
my arms full
an outer reflection of my heart
and i could do this forever
holding
cooing
loving
the bliss of you
NaPoWriMo- April 8th
Filtered light flanks the edges of curved hills
Bleeds into long shadows cast by ridged peaks that stand to attention at our sides
And the broken back of land that hugs against us soaks in the dying rays of day
We wind through the valley, slits of shade and light flickering through the window
Till the sun dips low and fades beyond our reach and there is no more shadows and light
Only shadows
and then
Only night
Bleeds into long shadows cast by ridged peaks that stand to attention at our sides
And the broken back of land that hugs against us soaks in the dying rays of day
We wind through the valley, slits of shade and light flickering through the window
Till the sun dips low and fades beyond our reach and there is no more shadows and light
Only shadows
and then
Only night
NaPoWriMo - April 7th
Swollen clouds sweep against the blue ceiling
Brooding grays a promise of what lies beyond
Then it happens
Sky opens
Empties itself like fervent desire
The parched earth swallows greedily
And the steady hum of water thuds against the roof
And rolls a jagged river down the window
Tapping a rhythmic beat as it slaps against the surface
Pressing hard against metal curves
The movement creates a contentious push and pull
The rain balls and slides
streaming against the pressure
and retreats down
before being entirely torn away from our metal torso
at 100 km's an hour
It's an inconvenient marriage
bruised and broken skies against our momentum
a brutal dance where rain meets car in motion
a lesson in aerodynamics
as the rain races to greet us and is ripped away in a frantic haze
Brooding grays a promise of what lies beyond
Then it happens
Sky opens
Empties itself like fervent desire
The parched earth swallows greedily
And the steady hum of water thuds against the roof
And rolls a jagged river down the window
Tapping a rhythmic beat as it slaps against the surface
Pressing hard against metal curves
The movement creates a contentious push and pull
The rain balls and slides
streaming against the pressure
and retreats down
before being entirely torn away from our metal torso
at 100 km's an hour
It's an inconvenient marriage
bruised and broken skies against our momentum
a brutal dance where rain meets car in motion
a lesson in aerodynamics
as the rain races to greet us and is ripped away in a frantic haze
NaPoWriMo -April 5th
I've been jotting down fragments of thought
nonsensical interlude of a scattered mind
a sweet ramble
of cluttered chaos in clustered memories
and the pieces turn over
tumble through the illusion of my making
and fill me evermore with visions yet to be realized
a dream within a dream of my reality
nonsensical interlude of a scattered mind
a sweet ramble
of cluttered chaos in clustered memories
and the pieces turn over
tumble through the illusion of my making
and fill me evermore with visions yet to be realized
a dream within a dream of my reality
NaPoWriMo - April 6th
We looked
that instant connection
so used to it now
like an extension of ourselves
look around
everyone just the same
so when that connection
becomes a disconnection
it's like losing a limb
first world problems, I know
But we've looked high and low
that damn phone
where did you go?
that instant connection
so used to it now
like an extension of ourselves
look around
everyone just the same
so when that connection
becomes a disconnection
it's like losing a limb
first world problems, I know
But we've looked high and low
that damn phone
where did you go?
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Regular Joe -NaPoWriMo day 4
Today's prompt was a fan letter and I instantly thought about the fight I got into with my friends who had come to spend the weekend in NYC with me when I wouldn't let them take a picture of Adrian Grenier when we saw him in the street. Funnily enough about a year later he asked me to take a picture of him when I attended a showing of his "Teenage Paparazzo." (To be fair- he asked the entire audience to take a picture of him!) They still moan about that and I still enjoy rubbing it in their faces I got the pic eventually - just not in his natural habitat of a NYC street :)
We saw you
putting change in the meter
like a regular person
just standing there
in the street
like a regular joe
My friends wanted to take a picture
a selfie out the window
as we drove by
like you were on display
I said no
said to leave you alone
we aint no Entourage
this is NYC not HBO
so we let you go ahead and feed that meter
like a regular person
just standing there
in the street
like a regular joe
We saw you
putting change in the meter
like a regular person
just standing there
in the street
like a regular joe
My friends wanted to take a picture
a selfie out the window
as we drove by
like you were on display
I said no
said to leave you alone
we aint no Entourage
this is NYC not HBO
so we let you go ahead and feed that meter
like a regular person
just standing there
in the street
like a regular joe
Sunday, April 3, 2016
April 3rd - NaPoWriMo
It's day three: i decided to look at the prompt on the NaPoWriMo site which was "Family Portraits." This is what came out of that prompt.
The painful fray of time
Unravels to its end
Caught in the undertow of broken promises
And dreams halved by distance and discord
Resolute in their agony
The air crisp with animosity
freedom brokered in the chaos of discontent
bartered in silent glances and swollen expectations
and the confines of this prison they once knitted themselves to becomes an uneasy alliance of solitude
no longer stifled
no longer obligated to the pretence of happy
Dissolution is the solution
And we, once family, remain
in tatters
in unison of division
Shards of what we were
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