I saw you

I saw you
for who you really are
and all that you are not
cause I stripped away your mask long ago
and I saw you there
shallow shell
At first, I offered you sincerity
and you ripped it up like weeds choking a garden
and I was just another in your long line of fleeting fancies

Well I won't be forced to vie for your affections
this is not a ruse to amuse
not a game to stave off times pressing matters
I'm not a project or a 'fixer- upper"
I'm not an easy read to lose yourself in on a lonely Sunday afternoon
or the freak show in town for a limited viewing
You can't pass me by like time or inconsequential friends
or play me like a merry tune
I saw through the painted veil
saw you - YOU
and you knew it
and cut me down and out
and set me free
while you remain there entangled
in your lies and illusions
wondering why nothing lasts
why all you touch turns to ash
and wastes away under your instruction
I saw you
and didn't like the view
confined to your blinders
fettered to fear
consumed by the knowledge you are quite possibly nothing
so you take your shame and pass it on
denying that the root of all cause and agony lies within your grasp
and I saw it all
cause I saw who you are and not who you pretend to be
and your love turned to disdain and destruction
but it no longer matters to me

the wait

patience is a virtue I can no longer bear
waiting
always at the ready
hoping that today will be the day
a moment in the sun instead of a lifetime in the dark
but the day ends as all others
and I'm still waiting
edging closer to all hopes dissipation
i put away dreams and faith
hide them away in a box in the back of the closet
marked "what should be."
loneliness
i can take it
i lie to myself
still, i find myself afraid
an all too bitter reality
he's not coming
my eyes search horizon
longing
hoping
my eyes search and find nothing to rest their gaze upon
another day will soon be here
and then another
and another
and it goes on
all this waiting
and wishing
and hoping against hope
that he will come
for me
for us

Love's First Moment

Love's first moment
the meeting a juncture of state and being
not yet defined or enabled
through time immaterial
it was always you that had long been in the fabric of my thoughts
seeded deep within my soul
lovers awaken
immortalized in this moment
I etched your name upon my heart
and spoke it aloud til the wind carried it away
borne it up and over the world
so that existence knew it was always you
I painted the sky in ruby hues
my love emblazoned across the face of the earth
and there was no escape to the madness
my heart throbbing, beating
its sound a crescendo
a symphony of all that is right and good
joy surged from depths unknown
like happiness til now had just been a figment
my life a hollow shell
merely functioning as we are wont to do
an awakening occurred
realization that I had been a doll
void of truth and reality
until your entrance redefined
reshaped
renewed
and brought me out of darkness into glorious light
all is illuminated
the night sky is as the day
and the day is without shadow or shelter
and I stand
intoxicated by you and I
held here forever
in this
our loves
first moment

I Left You

I left you
shaded beneath the tree
left you to wilt away
before you left me
all skies grey and obsolete
and the pain goes away
eventually
I left you
in the pouring rain
left you to drown
in your shame
I won’t be your fool
won't play these games or bend the rules
or take my heart and break it over you
it was just a matter of time
before you left me too
I left you
you ain't worth the time
or a tear
or a smile
or a single breath
I was blind when I saw you
and now I see
so I let you go
left you by the wayside
before you left me

the knot

invasive thoughts
abandon all reason
this solitude
self imposed
one track mind
twisting and turning
and all the while
ending up right back where we started
with this knot in the pit of my being
love knot
tied hard
over time seized into one
so i can't find an end or a beginning
just here
left with this knot
in the pit of my being
can't cut it out or let it go
its more a part of me than anything gone before
the weight of it wears me down
a burden freely carried
born to be expressed
and denied
but for secret moments
stolen for pleasure
and the knot
ever tightening
compressing against my chest
giving life
mocking my hope
urging it on
and this knot
in the pit of my being
a love knot
born of you
for you
it chokes out the light
all consuming
it tightens and constricts
til death us do part

Best

You are quick to flow your judgment near
Two cents given but not exchanged
You take what you will
impose
suppose
Thinking you know what lies within, with all
But keep yourself hidden
Hide behind the wall
Shackled by your insecurities
Fashioned by fear
Built up by illusion
Giving yourself away by not giving yourself to anyone
Foolish in your fantasies
You lay the shame
bring the blame
Don’t look within to settle the score
Perfection is hardly an art you've mastered
The blade glistens before you twist
My back at your mercy
But mercy does not live here
Only "ought to's" and "should have done's"
And your delusion
That you know what’s best for me
Though you know not what is best for you

The Break Up

Everyone tells me it’s the right thing to do
Bottle up all my hopes and dreams
And toss them into an unforgiving sea
Unyielding to my wants
Washing away all need and thought
And yet you stick in my mind
Constant reminder
That I was wrong about you
And me
What were we?
A dream?
A false hope?
A cruel twist of fate and fear and fantasy entwined?
And you
The abandon-er
My patron saint of lost causes
Its over
I know this
Head knowledge
Heart slower to follow
Running around in circles
Looking for that faint touch
A glimmer of hope
A slither of light to pierce the shadows
And finding only black and cold and bitterness
You are a stranger to me
And you made me a stranger to myself
I broke myself open for you
Like the crest of a wave surging forward
To cast itself upon the shore
Your shore
Of rocks and stone and glass
And empty promises
I gave my all
As one does in this thing called love
My all met your nothingness
And was consumed
Engulfed
You feasted on my sweetness
And returned only bile
And still my heart whispered your name like a prayer
What were we?
An illusion
A hard lesson
Unknowing joy and untempered pain
And I’d do it all again

It Just Is What It Is

it just is what it is
another mistake
judgment deferred
in a long line
stretching out across time
and down the road
where there’s no going back

it just is what it is
too late to undo what's been done
or said
or felt
and I was willing
to discover what we could be
this thing between us
like an unpolished gem which needs refinement
now already tarnished
and the sparkle has faded

it just is what it is
you stepped back
or did I?
doesn't really matter
it's over before it even began
and maybe it’s better
no heartbreak on the horizon
no tears to wash away all memory of you
no joy in remembrance
and no losing myself in you
to you

it just is what it is
love
that’s not what this is
might have been
were we not star crossed lovers
but you are set in stone
and I was born to fly

it just is what it is
love ebbs softly and retreats unscathed
and I wash my hands and walk away
you are no more to me than a pleasant day
enjoyed, even savored, in the moment
but gone with no regrets or longing

it just is what it is

untitled (June 2)

Expectations to be the same as you
Falling into nothingness by self denial
Drowning who I am to fit in
Acceptance
On your terms

Choking on the circumstance
Dying

Sacrifice my sanity and soul
To be a mediocre me

...to be you
And I just can't do it
Not even with a gun to my head

Its one moment
This life
All too quickly gone
And I won't pass by this way again

Live true
Step up and out
Shine
Blaze across the sky like a streaking star
Comfortable with who I am
And what I need
And want
Unburdened by your baggage
So check your expectations at the door
Bury your judgments deep inside yourself
Cause I won't wear them
Or build a monument in their image
I won't be shackled to your discomfort
Or enslaved to adopt false idols
I'll just be me
At my best and worst
And color the world in my own hue
Burning bright
This me
For you
Each of us the face of God

In the Garden of My Deceit

In the garden of my deceit
Where love blossomed
Weighted down the branches
Fragrance filling the air
Thick
Heavy
Full
And the sun kissed me
In gentle rays of yellow and gold
And warmed the ice that had settled there

Songbirds rested
Nestled in my happiness
And filled the air with bird song
Sweet lullaby of contentment
And the wind blew a soft caress
And all was perfection
In the garden of my deceit
*****
In the garden of my deceit
A shadow lingered
Grew
Overcame
And weeds choked out the sun and light
The birds song - a woeful mourn
And the flowers died
Leaves fell to earth
And turned to dust
And the putrid stench of decay
Rank
And reviled
Filled the air
And you were no more to me
Nor I to you
And my garden became a wasteland
Inhospitable
And barren
And nothing grew there anymore
Or again
In this garden
My garden
Where love was a lie
And desire deceit

Who are you?

Who are you?
You think you know so much, know it all
That you are free to burden me with your misconceptions
Don’t condescend to me
Don’t scheme behind my back or to my face
Don’t tread on my dreams for lack of your own
Be who you are
IF you think you can
Do you know who that is?

Who are you?
Here's the situation from my P O V
You don't know yourself and you don't know me
You think you got it all figured out
Got every I dotted and every t crossed
But you don't even know if you are coming or going
Ebbing or flowing
Stagnant or growing

Who are you?
Talking big talks
Walking teeny walks
You don't match up to what you preach
Expect me to take it
When you can't make it
Can’t even fake it
Who are you?

love suffers

Your love bloomed then grew old and tired
and died away
and you left me here to unravel in the sorrow of my solitude.
Tangible only in my memories.
Body aches.
Heart breaks
And I miss you.

Every moment a mockery.
Lovers kiss a poisoned lie.

I miss your kiss.

Sweet nothings and empty urgings
I poured myself out upon the ashes of our love
Longing for that which can never be.
Never was.

Broken and beating, still my heart clings to this ideal
That love suffers long and much
It hopes for all and believes with eyes unseen
That true love never returns to us void or unrequited
And love, that mistress that drives us to the brink of madness and pleasure both, cannot be forsaken

Thank You but I Don't Think So

You say you know me, say you care,
but you ain't here.
Care is hollow words tossed about frivolously and in sullen moods of self importance.
You say you know me, that you'll be there.
But there is not here, never here.
To lean on you is like the vapor of an august wind
felt for a moment like an innocent caress and then out of reach
Or need
Or want.

Thank you but I don't think so.
Don't need you to sing my blues or watch my back or give me clues
Don't need you to hold my hand, to guide me through, to make a plan

Thank you but I don't think so
Don't need the pretense, the swollen lies
Don't need false kiss or sweet goodbyes

Thank you but I don't think so
Don't need you to lead the way, to storm my dreams, to save the day
Don't need you and never did so thank you but I don't think so
I'll be alright without you

We Never Existed

I want you back but you never existed
An illusion
Or delusion
Smoke and mirrors
A vapor that can't be claimed
My imaginary romance
All too real
On this side
My side
Alone
You left me
But you were never really here to begin with
A figment of vain hopes
And foolish fantasies
Maybe I conjured you up out of the ether
Breathed life into that which never was
All the while a puppet on your string
You were the ocean
And I was a pale moon longing to stretch myself out over your waters
Let you bask in my love
You built my love up
And let it go
Like my love was always meant to be a broken rainbow
Or just broken
I want you back but you never existed
Not for me
For us
You were never real
Never true
Always hollow
And you took my love
Freely given
Yours for the taking
No holds barred
You took my love
And you disfigured it
Ripped the edges and burnt it to the ground
Till I could no longer recall love's beauty
And only pain filled my lungs and ears and soul
And I became shipwrecked upon the shore of your love
And my light burnt out
And I was left standing alone
In the darkness
In the cooling waters of your deceit
In the reality that we never really existed at all

Welcome

I write poetry to express a sentiment, a thought, a feeling. Poems, like music, are a universal language but they can be often misunderstood. Like the bastard child no one wants to talk about, poems often seem obscure and, to the uneducated, a little daunting.

Poems that require hours of analysis and dissection in order to understand its musings are not necessarily superior to all other forms of writing. We have been conditioned to believe that if we don't understand it, or it takes days to 'get it' that it must be good, no, even great, writing. But sometimes, a complex feeling expressed in simplistic terms takes on a beauty of its own.

I write what I feel at the time, and none of these poems have been agonized over for more than a few hours tops. They may be raw, but they are real. They may not be laden in subtext, but you'll get the point. Poetry should be savored by all, not a few. Like music, it should be enjoyed, be accessible and ultimately speak to the soul.

I have been writing poetry for many years and have kept my poems cradled in my heart, sharing some with very few. But this year I am challenging myself to step out and part of that step is to put my writing, and in essence me, out there. So here I am...hope you enjoy the poems that will be posted here and do let me know what you think.

Warmly,

Sally

By the way: Feel free to check out my other blogs:
I am Awesome (when I don't suck) which is all about how awesome I truly am and how you can be too! @ sallyawesome.blogspot.com
and
It's Not Me, It's You (@nogothirdbase.blogspot.com) which deals with my many, many dating disasters