time

i count down
time keeps its march
a movement forward
edging us closer
yet we remain apart
and the minutes stretch out
and hours drag by
as is the fashion of time when its watched expectantly
moments past flood in
and time as a memory is frozen
never to be gained or lost, just a season rooted in my mind
and the seconds tick away
all too slow in this waiting place
and all so fast when i am with you
days slide into each other
some the same, not much change
some like a sudden burst of blossom in spring
and i mark this passage with the wait
shadows slip in and the sun turns away
and another day inches closer
closing the gap
a tantalizing slow ecstasy of anticipation
and time takes its leisurely path
turning seconds into minutes and minutes to hours
and then all too soon
time has come
and gone
leaving me with the memory of you and me

forevermore

reason stirs but finds no vein
the thread of you is all that remains
and I am tethered to this time and place
and my pitiful heart despairs to see thy face

I wait

for that which will never be
a moment
of sweet ecstasy

with you my soul's delight
a trap from which I cannot bridge or fight
and I turn to run
but ALL is you
and loving is all I wish to do

heart soars
fear seeps in
and it's the same old same
as has ever been
you watch my struggle
strain against the past
pour myself out
upon the lot that's cast
broken promises pull me away
whilst a tender beat urges me 'stay'

shadows creep in

and voices grow dim

and i rebuild the wall so that none can come in


especially you

though it hurts so to do

like a light snuffed out
my hope is undone at the seams
and I wish you to be no more than a sweet dream
I turn off and tone down
yet you remain vivid and rooted in my core
you
my love
my forevermore

the walk away

she packed up her heart again
sickly sweet feeling gnawing at her from the pit of her stomach
but it had to be done
this walk away before it became too much
she had already fallen so hard
so completley
given over her heart without a second thought
or backward glance
but the feeding frenzy had begun
a plague had settled
and her mind was telling her to run
so she shook aside the yearning to stay
the peace that had soothed her soul for a short while
and rode aback the beast of her discontent
it was better this way
get out now
get out clean
get out before her heart was irrevocably broken
who was she kidding? it was already broken
and the shards caught in her eyes and throat
and made her cry out
for him
but she had already begun to stem the flow
block his view and keep him at bay
it hurt
but it was a necessary wound
self inflicted
a preservation of sorts
for she knew if he broke her completely there would be no recovery
her love for him grew out of each moment
tore into her mind and soul
a delicious discomfort
but fear would have its say
its way
so she began to pluck away at her feelings
bottle them up and bury them
and lay no claim on this love that could not be so easily stemmed
though try she must
the walk away
before he caught her forevermore
though her heart had long been his for the taking
would always be
and it was a risk she could not afford
so she packed up her heart
built herself a safe haven
and found herself destitute

It goes on

It goes on
this heart of mine
even when i wished it ill
and tried to stamp out its beat
and banished it from all thought
still
a pulse can not be so easily silenced
a heart born with need to love cannot be quenched
and it goes on
without my resolve or fortitude
it goes on
rising above my defense wounds
and bitter demons
even when i had thought all was lost
and had given over to the fear
and reconciled myself to the emptiness
it goes on
struggles against my indifference and contempt
pitting will against mind
truth against fear
and it goes on
this heart of mine
even when i think it is beyond repair
and no longer in a functioning state
it stirs
beats
clambers for attention
it goes on

The lie

the heaviness in the pit of my stomach resides
and i can no longer live in my self delusion
tis a lie...all of it
what you say and what i hear
and that feeling of soaring
love
before the thunderstorm of reality
such fantasies i have
bittersweet and full of promise
and all a lie
caught up in the mystery and the 'want to be'
captured by my own need
imprisoned by it
when in the stone cold light of day there is nothing
but a silly girl with a broken dream in her heart
holding onto a lie in vain attempts to breath it into truth
and i can't keep riding the coaster
or this carousel
spinning me off and around
and your words mean nothing
silken promises on a string
like a spiderweb bringing me into the slaughter house
and i gave myself to you
foolish girl and her fantasies
for you were just a dream
a single thought that spun me into new heights for a while
til the cradle dropped
and the sun scorched my love
and turned it to ashes
and all that is left is me; wretched being
another broken heart come undone
i really should stop the fall
this oh to familiar pattern of love and rejection
thought it would be different
that this was the break away point
but you are the same as all the others before
an illusion
and i'm left with the bitter taste
and sullen truth
that i am unlovable
even to you
even to myself
a bigger lie still

sranswitt

we are sranswitt

broken pieces that fit together
two separate wholes
complete in each others presence
we are sranswitt
cut from the same cloth
and stitched together
a single union of solid lines
we are sranswitt
each a part of the other
intricate design of form and fit

where you and I melt into perfection of we

sranswitt

and it has begun
this journey of perfect alignment
when i had all but given myself to the loss
and abandoned all hope
a small step
that's all it took
one small step
and the dark was peeled back and how brightly did the sun shine
and i felt the embers heat
and gave myself to it
this place where mind and matter meets has become sacred ground
this place where my heart rests
and my soul has found its equal
and we are as we were meant to be
before time had stirred
before the earth had substance
before the dawn of all that was to come
there was us
sranswitt

reborn

I have been reborn

Like a Phoenix, rising from the brokenness of all that has been

I turn my face to the sun, kissed by its amber tones

Its warmth sets fire to those dormant spaces and I bask in its glory

I have been reborn
Like a swallow that found its wings, freedom to soar
My flight takes me away into the heavens where hope resides
The breeze a gentle current that carries me up and I glide on golden rays

This is my time

Rooted deep, peace begins to settle

Soul has recollection and rejoices

My heart, once uninhabitable, now thrives under this new starlight

This new starlight guides me home
to that place where love is no longer a forsaken mistress but a frame of mind
and love crowds all my spaces with sweet fragrance

and calls me its own

I have been reborn
Like a plant lying in wait for the spring
Surging forth from the undergrowth, stretching out towards the sky
The spring rains a soothing balm, the sun offers a sweet caress and I find my strength

I have been reborn
Like a soul once lost and now found
And I turn my heart over to this starlight, embraced by its honeyed hues
And melt into this brave new world of being

you get it

There is no one quite like you
a force to reconcile oneself to
and it's pleasure
engaged in the conversation
idiotic tones to all but each other
a language reserved for someone who understands
you get it
nothing more need be said
and there are those that do not understand
can't comprehend
and whisper in tones of anxiety and resent
but we pay them no mind
for love need not be explained or defined
you just get it
and did you know that you saved me?
gave me freedom to step up
shine out
that flicker of light to my beacon
ready to steady me if i should falter
and pick me up if i should fall
you get it
gave me room to grow and breathe and be
and reflected back to me what i already knew but misplaced
relics of a forgotten peace
hope that had run stagnant
still you saw the residue that life had yet to sweep away
breathed into me anew
and you just get it
you get me

today

today
she had never paid much mind to it
given it no second glance
caught up in what had been
or just might
and overlooked the 'what was'
focused on the failings of all the things she could not change
and the fear of what was still to follow
the present, an illusion,
a forsaken moment
but it was all she had
the here and now
just this moment
broken by the next
snatches of time
that slip away
unseen, unnoticed
yet mourned for at a later date
she could not love today
for she did not see it
she yearned for her dreams
but could not see that they were to be born out of this moment
a birthing right she denied herself
and so she stumbled on in this pretense of existence
like a pauper who had been given an unrealized treasure
hiding it away for a raining day
never knowing its worth
and she spent her days in false attempts to live
never really living
always looking back or thinking forward
never satisfied with this seconds passing
and missing the point

just to be

just to be
there in that place
where time holds its peace
and i breathe in
the stillness of serenity and being
mind ceases its rage
and heart thuds along in a frantic pace
and i am full
the air swollen with promise
like heavy rain clouds dipped low
grey with anticipation
shards of light piercing through
reflecting
spilling up and over
chasing shadows
reaching into long forgotten spaces

just to be
here with you
where all is each other
and there is only this moment
always this memory
and hearts beat in prose
complete
a world fashioned out of desire
need builds it's quarters
and want overflows, grows
longing a burden to be savored
and we take it all in
give ourselves to it
reaching into each others soul

just to be
here with you
there in that place
together, alone, as one

intoxicated

intoxicated and i can't break away
wanna breath you in
bring you to the brink of me
and tumble down
into each other
and no voice could sound as sweet
or take me to that place where we reside
just the you and I that can't be defined
and i'm intoxicated by the feelings flow
wanna hold it close
and lose myself in surrender to you
falling through the wasteland of what was
and finding who i am
i'm intoxicated by the way you stare at me
the language that silence speaks
and the touch of your kiss
careening off the well worn path
into a track made by our own two hands
forged from ancient wisdom of forgotten time
when the world began and ended with us

intoxicated and i won't let go
captured by grace
wrapped in your embrace
and this is all i know and ought to know
that i'm intoxicated

she would survive

she would survive
life punctuated by all things in between
like everyone else, there was nothing special to her misery,

except it was her own

she would survive
accept the inevitable sorrow and joy
sloshed together in one global mess
burdened by this reality:
that life is hardly beautiful
and beautifully hard

she would survive
letting him come in and then the exit
always the exit
long, short
it didn't matter
eventually it all goes the same way
him gone
and her heart taken

she would survive
friends who marched in and took up residence as rivals
silken lies wrapped up with string and pretty packaging
hiding the knives and poison and misplaced rage

she would survive
her own insecurities and sabotage
the frequent whispers in night that plotted against her
plots of her own imagination

she would survive
to rise up
beyond all traps and tribulations
and fly away from the fear and harsh realities
getting lost in the beauty of what could be
and who she was

she would survive

unbidden

You come unbidden into thoughts
a relentless torrent of all I'd rather forget
Can't seem to let you go
despite fingers outstretched in surrender
I gave myself away
lost myself in the hope of you
only to find that hope a desolate being


and i had loved you
or at least a close approximation of affection
and had built in edifice to lay myself upon
in your name i had lost myself


if i imagine long enough
i can recall the touch of your kiss on my shoulder
the weight of your fingers interwoven with mine
your breath in my ear
unbidden desires stir, rise, still
saturate my waking thoughts
til the hurt blisters
and the dams burst


it had been an all consuming love affair
i had bled out
and you had marched on
time continuing on in your favor
you unaware or unaffected by my demise



time has healed, but still you come unbidden
reckless wandering into those swept up memories
a tumbling effect of thought and feeling
and a pang of regret still lingers
ever so soft

the unexpectedness of you

my love

the unexpectedness of you

when i had all but given up hope

and labeled myself a lost cause

and reconciled myself to my fate

a fate neither despised or admired

for you had become a dream

a thing that lived on in desires

and secret longings

but would stay an apparition

a shadow of my imagination

and i would remain here alone

then, the world shifted

and the planets aligned

 

and there you were

no longer a figment or false hope

a living breathing entity

willingly offering up your love

with no fear or reservation

just that deep seated knowledge that we had called out to each other

that distance and time were no measures for our love

and our souls had come home

locked to each other as perhaps they had always been

i did not need to see your eyes to know

for your voice betrayed you,

just like my own,

and the music of our pulses, racing for each other,

hummed loudly in my ears

its beat in ebbs and flows of bliss and storm and calm

it's no use explaining what language is inadequate to express

and so we use the word 'love' born out of necessity to lay claim to the crescendo of joy that rises

and it is not enough, cannot be enough

this small word cannot hold the magnitude of what is building

nor can it convey that which has had neither beginning nor end

it just is

so, my love,

the unexpectedness of you

becomes my hearts freedom

and you take my breath away every day just by mere existence

we give into the beauty of our souls collision

just freely embracing the gift of each other

no longer a dream, but reality

a desire realized, savored and recharged

forevermore entwined as the world saw fit to purpose

Stripped Bare

Stripped bare
standing before you
with nothing but my heart on the line
just a girl
with love on her mind
and a foolish hope that you see me
the whole of me
and love me through the flaws and fancy and fantasies

a terminal case
that's what i have
and no amount of eternities offered up would be enough to give you up
would only further drive my need for you
a hunger compounded by obvious distance
though distance is immaterial in matters of heart and mind 

you, ever-present,
like a carousel
twirling around
burrowed deep within
so that my first thought begins with you
builds the framework of my day's house
and resides as that last fleeting peace before dreams reconcile us


i stand here
in naked honesty
as an offering
my heart no longer my own
my breath strengthened by the knowledge you exist
and i am stripped bare
fledgling love my gift
the whole of me
utterly yours

The journey

it starts
falters
fails
still she rises
follows that yellow brick road
and never ending pathways
leading off in tangents
small winding trails
and broad highways
follow the rivers edge
stand at the cliff top
and the roads shoot off
stretch out
a thousand journeys of grand adventures
and simmering heartache
love, the treasure sought
remains at best, a luxury only glimmered
never fully explored
still worth the chase
she thinks
she feels
so she chases the illusion
running down cobble stoned streets and tracks beaten in by time and weight
the dust on her feet and back
her eyes glisten with the promise
cheeks soaked at every dead end path
still she turns and treks on
sometimes blazing a trail
forging a new frontier
determination set on her face
the weight of past loss still a burden  across her shoulders
but she carries it willingly
grateful for its substance
the pain that encumbers her
embraced for the simple joy of being
vulnerability an asset, not just a curse
her feet battle weary
her heart a vacant lot trampled by many
and the footprints remain embedded there
each a twisted treasure of who she has become
strength endures
rises and follows the movement of the stars and sun and moon
and she takes flight
alights
as the roads stretch out
from one consequence to another

surrender

something about the surrender
warm honey flows
and throbbing need
where sea meets sky
and worlds break apart and come together
and i sear the memory of your touch so it becomes a part of my being
peaks of ecstasy as we delve into heart and soul and mind
flowing into the other with a divine grace
it's meant to be
this surrendering of all, to each
and the world is a mere design of our expression
our hearts beating their love song
perfect timing, this awakening
and one cannot be without the other
born of each other into a forevermore
savoring the insatiable growing want
the need to be
to have, to hold, to know
surrender so sweet and easily done
no need for words or reflections
or dissections
just a deep seated knowledge
spoken in a language that belongs only to us
and the world can only watch the spectacle
and marvel at the rarity of this thing
this wondrous state of surrender

each other

I let you in
gave away my secrets
bared my soul
and you did not run or shun me away
embraced my vulnerable state of being and called it "beautiful."
and loved all the parts of me, even that which i myself struggled to behold
stripped the layers back,
explored each part of me
and loved me more
and you gave yourself to me
an open book to be read and written upon
and let me find safe haven in your caress
I let you in
pulled down the walls
and scraped away the paint and plaster and dust
left nothing hidden
and you claimed me as your own
kissed away my troubled mind
and settled in with a calm and ease and joy
a complete state of mind and being, from two forms, now one
hearts from two origins now beating in unison
and you gave yourself to me 
losing yourself in that place where you and i reside
exquisitely woven together as if from the heavens

she builds her strength

theres nothing else to give
nothing left to say
worn down
washed away
ground to dust
reshaped into a lesser thing
and she cannot do this again
builds strength to walk away
before it all comes crashing down
and she is left battered and broken
and her heart beyond repair

her heart quite enjoys the beat of him
restless in its growing need
eager for the collision

foolish heart! always running rampant
never stopping to second guess
or take a breath
just headlong into the fray
all giddy hopes and anticipation
heart races
fears not
does not lie in trepidation
just embraces the moment

but fear sets itself to mind
whispers its secrets
points out and picks upon that deep seated insecurity
that perception, that love cannot stay here
love never stays
never actually is what it calls itself
and she second guesses the feeling
unable to trust her judgement or her hearts longing
she expects the destruction
the harsh implosion of her perceptions
and pulls away
readies herself for the fall out
and she builds the strength to walk away
as she knows she must
but her heart cries out
and she cannot listen to anything but that beat
and its all she knows and wants to know
it urges her to give her all to him, come what may
fear plots against her in ebbs and flows
but for the moment she builds her strength to stay

i love you (take two)

there need be no rhyme or reason

no explanations for the rhythm within 

love, in all its myriad forms

sears itself

and you move in

snatching up my heart and making it yours

i willingly offer it up to you

without fear or reservation

for my heart belongs to this moment

had been waiting for this moment

waiting to belong to you

and i love you

an honest truth

with no blinders or coverings or expectations

just a joy that brims from places unknown

and i love you

for all that i know and am yet to know and may never know

a simple pleasure in the certainty of this feeling

and not needing to put words to it

and i love you

freedom in stating the obvious

in giving myself to it

so that there is no way to know where your heart stops and mine begins

i love you

instinct rises and we belong together

did i exist before your entrance or was i just marking time?

for every fiber now hums with your energy and mine entwined

and i love you

wholly and utterly and explicitly 

for there is no other choice left for me

but to interlace my heart to yours til time ceases and we are lost in each other

this heart beating

this heart beating
softly
at first
rising to a crescendo
loud in my ears
coloring the world in
shades of glorious tones

happiness
sparked by yellow gleam
lit upon my soul's horizon
and it fits well
this light and noise and fire and cadence

this heart beating
a pulse
entwined with yours
mixing into each other
til they bleed into one
and beat each others name
harmonious rhythm

peace
perfectly aligned
settles into the depths
nestled
expanding the layers of my desire and joy and need

this heart beating
calls deep unto deep
and finds no end or boundary
just infinite scope for all that we can be
no longer separate entities
each a part of the other
synergy harnessed and defined

bittersweet

I went to the place between my truth and our lies
and laid low
in wait
in hope
that you might reveal to me that part i do not yet know
the undiscovered source of you still held seperate
held in a place where daylight has not caressed
or grasped
or claimed
I wait, with no illusions of the price that must be offered for such entry
willing to wait, if need be, til time no longer is a commodity
and our pain has finally outlived its usefulness
I dream the past and its shackles can be worn away
that love freely given, might also be returned
and i wait, here in the bittersweet,
caught in the place somewhere between fear and what could be
a perfect moment of your soul to mine
if we would just dare to risk
or believe
or fall

Dead Inside

*this poem was inspired by a discussion on that complicated reality called "LOVE" between a friend and I recently. He claimed that I was much better off than him, for at least I still dared to feel something. Sometimes, I am not sure that being willing  to have my heart splayed open like a gutted fish is a good idea. But I really don't know how to be any other way. I suppose if life gives me enough knocks, I too could become 'dead inside,'  (although I think it would have happened by now if it was going to.) I think that if i ever were to become "dead inside," it might be a wiser decision to finish life at that point, such is my desire to live a life that is full (even in suffering). He thinks I would lose my essence, my spark and I imagine he would be right. So I guess I'll have to suck it up. To truly live, one must be willing to be open to both love and pain, joy and sorrow.  I'm willing to take the hard knocks cause I know that even when it feels deep down ( and I mean DEEP DEEP DOWN) like there is no place left to go and I can't hold on that I am made of stronger stuff and even at every breaking point I know that this too shall pass...

Dead inside


the flame had peaked, blazed across the skies face in glorious hues
its heat insatiable
the flames grew, stretched itself out and engulfed all sense and reason
desire scorched its name into my soul
and i knew what it meant to be

it burns no more
this sacred flame which called unto me
smothered by the weight of my own inadequacies
slow flickers of light creep up and are snuffed out by the vacant space where hope once marched
i took the flame and quenched its thirst
so that not even a dying ember could chance to reignite.
this is what it means to be dead inside

a part of me, the best part, died that day
when i sacrificed my heart on the alter of self preservation 
and put you to the back of my mind
though you forever bleed through

constant

and i can't move forward
or stay the same

i don't feel anything anymore
not a peace inasmuch a dull relief
quiet; for i fill the silence with people and things to avoid the inevitable
and its safe here in this dying state
safe and sound and secure
and sorrowful

my wounds, scab and scar
time and her healing prowess have no power over the dead
so I mastermind my own execution
to free my heart from its wretched state
freed from the constraints of possibilities
hiding behind the truth of my death

I don't want to hurt again

and this is what it means to be dead inside

It's the why that eats at me

Tis the death of us which stills my heart
didn't see it coming
like a thief in the shadows
my world was torn asunder
and i have only questions and doubts
and the burden of my rejection
and i don't know why

 it's the why that eats at me

your indifference is stifling
can't breath under the weight of my sorrow
i find myself tethered between all hope and delusion
willing to believe a lie to stop the cavernous ache that stretches out and beyond all horizon
i search for your heart
and find it locked away
or stripped bare
no longer offered up to me for care or consideration
and i don't know why

it's the why that eats at me

slumber slips away
peace has absconded with all joy
my tears are not a refuge
but a penance for my shame
my mind plays back and repeats and can find no reckoning
solitude is a dead mans vice
and i rest in a heaviness of your design
and i don't know why

it's the why that eats at me

Chains

The chains got another chink
keep adding on
extend
pretend
stumble under the weight
and i keep doing this to myself
believing

believing in words which are always broken promises
forked tongue and golden deceit woven into a dream
dreams i built my house upon

your words echo in my mind
they sound so hollow now
fill my heart with sorrow now

you're just like all the others

and i can no longer be blinded by what i had hoped would be
i remind myself that I am Creator of this disaster
for believing in sweet nothings
watch the destruction as it all implodes

The chain wraps tighter,
a noose around my neck
my humanity has been broken down
one more time
to ill repair
and I'm not sure i want to bandage the seeping wound and stem the flow
or let it all bled out

the thought of you makes me ache
our friendship has left me destitute and abandoned
and i can't suffer this truth anymore

And the chains are unraveling,
no longer tethered to this illusion of my design
it's been stripped down to bare essence
i take you in, one last time
search for what i thought you to be
and find a stranger
and me, once more misled by my own folly

and the chain crumbles in my hand
still I'm burdened by the weight of it
rust leaches in like the colors of a dying day
and marks my soul
and i keep doing this to myself
believing

in you

This is where

This is where the road spilts and time defines
This is the point where returns are weighed and decisions made
Do i leap?
Do i fall apart?
Do i follow, blindfold slipped and truth seen, and follow still?
do i stand?
Do i run?
do i stay, wheels clogged, mired down by my own reality
this is it
this is where i take a chance or sit back down
all this time, rooted to a fragile hope
building my illusions in the sand,
watching them float away in a summer breeze
molding dreams that shatter into longing and break into pieces that are more numerous than the stars
clutching at forevermore and what can never be
an ideal
a fantasy
a misguided belief
and the fool in me wants to believe
such a cliche
but here I am
and this is where it all comes to rest
this is where i need to be
this precipice
between what is truth and reality

Need

need to get it out
this thing that struggles within
like a torment ingrained
carried around like a long lost friend
housed beyond the call of duty
this pain and self denial
deep seated hurt from eons and ages and eras
that i have laid claim to
and given safe harbour
even poured upon the ashes of my love
and fed it my dreams, bruised and ripped up
this thing that holds me
burrows into me
stains me
and yet i let it cling
dig in its nails
tighten the restraints
burden
bludgeon
break
comforted in its clutches
crawl into that safe small space
stunted by my own worst enemy
and i need to get it out
cut it loose
salvage all that is still left of me

lost in this feeling

lost in this feeling
this feeling inside my chest
hollowed out
filled in
washed away
decayed
the nothingness that consumes absolute
slow beat
grind to a halt
bleed out

lost in this feeling
this feeling inside my head
dull ache
thoughts banished and billowing
return full in fury
trespass notices rise
mind erodes
shoulders stoop under weight of discontent
overburdened

lost in this feeling
my brokeness, rampant
fear anticipates, feeds, fosters
grows....dissipates
peace seeps in
steadies,
stays,
rises
hope for moment without sting
or festering wound
new day
fresh start
this could be it
renewal of strength and resolve
open eyes
lost in this feeling
this feeling that it is worth the fight

You (a love poem)

your voice is like a silken ribbon
its golden hues wraps itself around my heart
taking it a willing captive
leading me down paths where only joy has traversed
your arms encircle me, draw me in
strong, steady, forever reaching, always at the ready
arms that feel as though they were meant just for me
tightly encasing me til we are one and the same
your kiss
my soul soars with the slightest touch as lips collide
brush and bruise, swollen and savage, tender and tantalizing
and its never enough, this perfection, this want of you
your eyes speak in a language that tongue cannot understand
that burrow deep within and see my desire
hold me there in this burning gaze
reflecting back the woman you see, you want, you need
and I feel beautiful standing there reflecting back how i see you
you- my hearts delight, my reason to be
you- echoed in my mind at moments notice and forevermore
you- the better half of me

Dream within a dream

my dream within a dream

imagination cut loose and painted a sky filled with bluest blue and rays that glistened like a golden promise
this place, as yet undefined
like a blank page or unwritten song
yet bore a name I had harbored within
and my imagination breathed fire and cut away all chains of discontent
and I fell into a sweet bliss of living in that moment

I awoke
and found myself lost in dust and shadows
silence permeated
weighted me down
pulled me into inky depths where time ceased to be
and everything I had loved had grown old and pale
and stunted by the darkness that had wound its way around my being
like a weed with a stranglehold on all of life's beauty
calmly I surveyed the mass
a vast landscape of destruction
melted into an abyss that had no end or point of being
and watched myself turn forever inward
reflecting on failures and falls and a myriad of other disasters that all led back to me
and I was consumed by the emptiness and bitter regret
sorrow became my name and faithful friend
and the dark and desolate land cradled my decaying soul til I was as close to nothing as something can get
my brokenness stretched out before me and scattered into the four winds so that I was no more
and I watched the world twist and turn and its beauty sour and life ebb and flow like an endless sea
and I awoke and found my heart had bled dry and no longer worked so I took it out and placed it on the mantlepiece to remind myself of these things

Game of Love (a song)

You say there was no overlap
no in between
no moments shared that meant a thing
you gave yourself away
stepped back
yet still you're begging me to stay

took my heart and broke it
took my love and choked it
and this bliss I shall not miss
cause this game of love is not what it used to be
this game of love still a mystery

There were no vows
no silver linings
no promises or forever bindings
you tossed me aside
moved along and away
and still you keep begging me to stay

took my heart and broke it
took my love and choked it
and this bliss I shall not miss
cause this game of love is not what it used to be
this game of love still a mystery

and I'm letting go
not moving back
no clouded judgements
not lost in your tracks

cause you stole my heart and broke it
you took my love and choked it
and this bliss I shall not miss
cause this game is not what it used to be
this game of love still a mystery
and this game of love is not what it used to be
this game of love just ain't for me

free

I wasn't sure it could be done
cease to be
walk away with no tears or regret
or feelings of longing or want
gone is the need
free
I no longer feel anything
just peace that you are no longer every thought
or the beginning of each paragraph
I have reclaimed myself
a new venture
uncharted territory
a new land for a new age
free
I have sounded a retreat
no more giving myself away to vagrants and vagabonds
hold on tight
but let go like chaff in the breeze
released from the burden of being
free
calm invades
hope sounds an advance
clutching no more to another
clinging no longer to unfounded fears
all we were has blown away
just a faint memory
a lost cause
but no longer the seeping wound
quiet the raging mind
still the beating heart
vanquish all thoughts
let go
let be
free

State

feels good
this state of freedom
no longer caught in between
love and hate
just nothing, either way
it's been this way for a good long while
this sense that nothing much matters
that I don't have to hold it all in
hold it to myself
just a new state of being
reasonable doubt
favors the strong
and a minefield within
traversed with no casualties of late
time ticks over
edging me away from what has gone before
mine eyes see the intricacies
all is fresh
renewed
the self
centered
alone
still
stuck in the state of here and now
waiting for another rainy day

Truth

I leapt to conclusions
made you into something that wasn't
something you could never be
and I knew it
but kept that knowledge to myself
buried it deep
ignored all signs pointing to obvious

I was a hollow shell
desperate for something
and so along you came
and I built an edifice to you
etched your likeness to it
and lost myself there
small belief that you were perfection

when I first knew you
there was nothing there
nothing in it
just liking you for you
no foul play
or intentions beyond a simple conversation or two
then we met again
and things changed with the usual start;

a kiss

you kissed me there
overlooking shaded trees
distorted my perception
and breathed fresh life into me
for a moment
made me believe that you were somebody else
you were hearts desire
a dream to be fulfilled
but it crumbled down

I tore away the mask
found myself searching among the remnants
lost in the destruction
found the truth of you there
truth that you lay me destitute
and in the naked light of day I saw your form
hideous and grotesque
a sad illusion broken and barren

I held on and pushed away in same moment
then let go
the mirror shattered
and I left the shards where they fell
no more delusions
discarded your affections
embraced your rejection
no longer entranced
no longer ensnared
just back to before
free in the truth
the truth of you
the truth of me
the truth of what was not meant to be