I will not love again

I will not love again
pack up this broken heart and store it away
no, not store,
cause that implies it may still hold a use
and it no longer does
this useless, feeble thing that beats within my chest
taunts my endless days and nights
liar that beseeches me from within
then pulls out the rug once I succumb to cruel intentions
I have been falsely led astray
built up my hopes and dreams
like a castle on sand or sky
with no solid foundation to tether them
I will no more think of love as essential joy
but rather, an endless sea of sorrow and suffering
love is a burden
destroyer of nature
so I will not love again
will not dare to offer my heart on a silver platter
just for a pounding
for it to be returned to me null and void
insignificant slithers of mauled passion
whilst they walk away unscathed
my love no longer exists for the taking
the making
the breaking
it is no more real to me than fairy dust or honeyed promises
I take this heart
and set it free from my constraints
love is for some,
I suppose,
maybe even gratifying and true
but love is a bottomless pit of infinite decay in my hands
so I will not love again
or no more
or you

Hope Is

Hope is
every thought not twinged in regret
(all is regret)
reservoirs of sadness swell within
plunging into deep troughs and gullies
sounding out the inadequate depths of this thing
Hope is
a false bird floating on golden wings
like Icarus sold a promise that came undone when touched by the sun
and I'm falling into the chaos of this thing
Hope is
a glimmer of light cutting through the darkness
(all is darkness)
I am swallowed whole by the enveloping shadows
all consumed by the weight of your being
and I can no longer recall a world beyond the blackness
Hope is
a sweet song harnessed in a mournful tune
like a hymn sung after the hand of death has claimed another prize
and there is no sense to existence
Hope is
just a word that we banter about
vain attempts to feel better
adequate
full
when it is all just an illusion
like life itself
a petty vendetta against one's own soul

The End

this is the end
I've hit the point where I can't will myself beyond the edge
calling it a day
as i see it
and needs and wants must
and i should have put a stop to this long before
screeched it to a halt the minute i started to fall
i denied the truth for so long
stuck in a misinformed belief that this could lead to something
but there is no such thing as amazing or solid or real
it doesn't exist
not in my reality
never really has
how could i expect it to
when I am seen as nothing more than a plaything
like an amusement park or vacation hotspot
my life is of little importance or value or regard
and the truth is
i don't love you
but i could
and that's just as bad
so this is the end
that point in time where I can't will myself to move beyond
to try again
to believe that love will ever find its way back to me
and maybe, the truth is simply that I don't want love
maybe I just think I do or should be entitled to such silly notions
whatever reality may be
it doesn't make sense to rinse and repeat
so I'm calling it quits
packing my bags and walking away
and hanging up hope
and I'll live with it
it's all one can do
the end

never enough

I don't hate you
it's me that I loathe
should have kept my distance
stayed apart and separate
not allowed my heart to blossom
to think of you in terms beyond what this was all along

should have kept the lid on
nevermore to move beyond friendship box
here I was thinking that this might be the start of something beautiful, to steal a line,
but it always comes full circle.
ends with tears and feelings of inadequacy

I am just never enough

common denominator
it always returns to me

there's something in that
pause for thought and reflection
rejection

must learn that hearts are a fools vice
and I ain't no fool
just playing the part well

no more
never enough is no longer an option
especially when you consider that in actuality you were never really going to be enough for me

Falling

You told me not to fall
and I fell anyway
at least a little bit
enough to hurt now

I promised myself that I would not fall
that you would not become another failure to add to my list
I fell and failed
again

in vain I found myself falling
tripping over soft words and gentle caresses
til it all seemed to make sense

You told me not to fall
even when you said you might be
and false hope was given
and I found myself wanting to believe in you

foolish heart
ardently admiring
yet just another blunder
a gaping black hole in the vortex of my sanity
and I am humbled yet again
by my inability to sway you to me

It's not the way I planned this
mess of such magnificence
all I know is that
when I am in your arms
I fall a little more
drop the reservations
drop the guard
fall

falling into an abyss where my heart splinters
and love is a tangled knot in the pit of my soul
lifespan reduced by repeated attempts at what I now deem impossible
and I am a lesser being
all the while, falling
free falling into my own demise

You told me not to fall
and I fell anyway
at least a little bit
enough to bleed out

Ache

I wasted time and breath
heart opened slowly, softly, after much coaxing and inward turmoil
I was not willing to give it away
to sacrifice it upon your altar
for fear that this is where I would return to
this point where my heart is stripped bare
and aches from festering wounds and the loss of another possibility

Ache
that is all this heart of mine knows
rampant, raw, real
pain is a constant companion
my one true friend
never to leave my side
always is

I put one foot in front of the other tumbling time and again
braving the muck and mire for a gleam of beauty
finding only dirt and cold and revile
and hating myself a little more with each passing fancy
this ache colors out all other feelings
fading hope and joy, partners in crime that have long departed my company
leaving me with nothing more than a bitter taste in my mouth
and deepest surge of sorrow
aching for that which will always and forevermore be out of my reach
and all I have to cradle to me is this ache
my bastard child neither wanted nor abandoned
giving myself to it
consumed by it