I will not love again

I will not love again
pack up this broken heart and store it away
no, not store,
cause that implies it may still hold a use
and it no longer does
this useless, feeble thing that beats within my chest
taunts my endless days and nights
liar that beseeches me from within
then pulls out the rug once I succumb to cruel intentions
I have been falsely led astray
built up my hopes and dreams
like a castle on sand or sky
with no solid foundation to tether them
I will no more think of love as essential joy
but rather, an endless sea of sorrow and suffering
love is a burden
destroyer of nature
so I will not love again
will not dare to offer my heart on a silver platter
just for a pounding
for it to be returned to me null and void
insignificant slithers of mauled passion
whilst they walk away unscathed
my love no longer exists for the taking
the making
the breaking
it is no more real to me than fairy dust or honeyed promises
I take this heart
and set it free from my constraints
love is for some,
I suppose,
maybe even gratifying and true
but love is a bottomless pit of infinite decay in my hands
so I will not love again
or no more
or you

Hope Is

Hope is
every thought not twinged in regret
(all is regret)
reservoirs of sadness swell within
plunging into deep troughs and gullies
sounding out the inadequate depths of this thing
Hope is
a false bird floating on golden wings
like Icarus sold a promise that came undone when touched by the sun
and I'm falling into the chaos of this thing
Hope is
a glimmer of light cutting through the darkness
(all is darkness)
I am swallowed whole by the enveloping shadows
all consumed by the weight of your being
and I can no longer recall a world beyond the blackness
Hope is
a sweet song harnessed in a mournful tune
like a hymn sung after the hand of death has claimed another prize
and there is no sense to existence
Hope is
just a word that we banter about
vain attempts to feel better
adequate
full
when it is all just an illusion
like life itself
a petty vendetta against one's own soul

The End

this is the end
I've hit the point where I can't will myself beyond the edge
calling it a day
as i see it
and needs and wants must
and i should have put a stop to this long before
screeched it to a halt the minute i started to fall
i denied the truth for so long
stuck in a misinformed belief that this could lead to something
but there is no such thing as amazing or solid or real
it doesn't exist
not in my reality
never really has
how could i expect it to
when I am seen as nothing more than a plaything
like an amusement park or vacation hotspot
my life is of little importance or value or regard
and the truth is
i don't love you
but i could
and that's just as bad
so this is the end
that point in time where I can't will myself to move beyond
to try again
to believe that love will ever find its way back to me
and maybe, the truth is simply that I don't want love
maybe I just think I do or should be entitled to such silly notions
whatever reality may be
it doesn't make sense to rinse and repeat
so I'm calling it quits
packing my bags and walking away
and hanging up hope
and I'll live with it
it's all one can do
the end

never enough

I don't hate you
it's me that I loathe
should have kept my distance
stayed apart and separate
not allowed my heart to blossom
to think of you in terms beyond what this was all along

should have kept the lid on
nevermore to move beyond friendship box
here I was thinking that this might be the start of something beautiful, to steal a line,
but it always comes full circle.
ends with tears and feelings of inadequacy

I am just never enough

common denominator
it always returns to me

there's something in that
pause for thought and reflection
rejection

must learn that hearts are a fools vice
and I ain't no fool
just playing the part well

no more
never enough is no longer an option
especially when you consider that in actuality you were never really going to be enough for me

Falling

You told me not to fall
and I fell anyway
at least a little bit
enough to hurt now

I promised myself that I would not fall
that you would not become another failure to add to my list
I fell and failed
again

in vain I found myself falling
tripping over soft words and gentle caresses
til it all seemed to make sense

You told me not to fall
even when you said you might be
and false hope was given
and I found myself wanting to believe in you

foolish heart
ardently admiring
yet just another blunder
a gaping black hole in the vortex of my sanity
and I am humbled yet again
by my inability to sway you to me

It's not the way I planned this
mess of such magnificence
all I know is that
when I am in your arms
I fall a little more
drop the reservations
drop the guard
fall

falling into an abyss where my heart splinters
and love is a tangled knot in the pit of my soul
lifespan reduced by repeated attempts at what I now deem impossible
and I am a lesser being
all the while, falling
free falling into my own demise

You told me not to fall
and I fell anyway
at least a little bit
enough to bleed out

Ache

I wasted time and breath
heart opened slowly, softly, after much coaxing and inward turmoil
I was not willing to give it away
to sacrifice it upon your altar
for fear that this is where I would return to
this point where my heart is stripped bare
and aches from festering wounds and the loss of another possibility

Ache
that is all this heart of mine knows
rampant, raw, real
pain is a constant companion
my one true friend
never to leave my side
always is

I put one foot in front of the other tumbling time and again
braving the muck and mire for a gleam of beauty
finding only dirt and cold and revile
and hating myself a little more with each passing fancy
this ache colors out all other feelings
fading hope and joy, partners in crime that have long departed my company
leaving me with nothing more than a bitter taste in my mouth
and deepest surge of sorrow
aching for that which will always and forevermore be out of my reach
and all I have to cradle to me is this ache
my bastard child neither wanted nor abandoned
giving myself to it
consumed by it

Postscript

I just wanted to add as a postscript
or as the final nail in the coffin
that you meant something to me
at one time
and its not that you don't mean anything now
it's just that things have changed
I've rearranged my point of view
no longer confused or misinformed about what this is
and I've taken me out of the equation
leaving only you
equals nothing
i broke down the pieces
sliced them up and recounted
and found that you and me
are no longer greater than the sum of all these parts
and the post mortem shows that life stopped breeding there long ago
just a vacant shell
and there is nothing more
nothing was

A Stranger to Myself

this is what I've become

stranger in familial land

besieged by doubts

betrothed to my fears

broken by shame

denial is a state of mind

and being

joy

a lost cause

a bridge burnt

casting me adrift from who I used to be

you took me

like a clumsy thief who understands not the value of immaterial things

vandalized

a bastardized version of my former self

a stranger

that's what I am now

a stranger to myself

Love was a vagrant mistress

Love was a vagrant mistress
tethered beyond my grasp
taunting me with just a taste of her greatness
i searched for her tender touch
and was left wanting
so i tore down love's refrain
and searched no more
i built a glass house around my heart
so it could still be seen
could still break
...in case of emergencies
my heart became an empty vessel
encased in a tomb
left to wither away
to rot
untouched
abandoned by the past and present
left to fall silent
beat out
til love was only a murmur
muttered in small dark spaces
and my heart became cold and black and still
and bled out in the name i could no longer recall

A letter to myself

At the risk of seeming completely cuckoo
I must take the here and now to remind myself
that this is no time for love and other complications
So dear heart
stop this faster beat in the rhythm of his name
cease and desist those vain fantasies echoing his sweet embrace
Pull yourself together girl!
beyond the dream lies reality
intoxication quickly erodes
and I'll be left with a constant truth
nothing this good lasts
or is even real
just a farce
a false hope
god- i sound so cynical!
when did the dreamer in me awaken to the harsh cold light of day?
when did i stop believing that love was possible?
or probable?
still
I can't deny I may wish to fall
but its not a notion i can afford to entertain
can't relinquish control in surrender to him
utter madness to let go and madness to not
let go
take a step back
breath
enjoy the moment
but hope for nothing in return
and heart,
dear even still in your brokenness and ill repair,
beat only for the beauty of all life
not just in unison for the love of one
though he can no more do what others have already begun

Seeking

seeking truth
finding you
caught by imagination
beguiled by fantasy
slapped about by reality

seeking love
a fragile hope
cannot be contained or captured
enraptured
a tease in the twist of fate

seeking joy
sold a lie
happiness comes from within
sparked by outer events
joy a fleeting mistress

seeking space
a quiet solitude in a crowded room
an empty vessel
incomplete together and alone
catch 22

seeking

Mere Complications

mere complications
is how I choose to see the situation
easily overcome
by walking away
or ignorance
bliss is no longer an option
factored out by reality
still can't blame a girl for trying

mere complications
the fact that you are too blind to see
or perhaps just foolish in your fickleness
lost in a sea of regret
moored to the past
stuck
empty
chasing an illusion
maybe it's worth the wait?

mere complications
same old, same old
attempting new trails
but all pathways led back to starting point
strike out
empty handed
but it can't last forever
this over-reaching

mere complications
nothing changes
but time
I move forward
and backwards
making ground
losing self
forever a battle of preservation

mere complications
thick and fast
weighting me down
finding their mark
but I refuse to remain a target
refuse to run aground
to stay complacent
I will attain freedom or die in the attempt
you can't blame a girl for trying

Beat

this heart
beating
little at first
rising to a crescendo
loud in my ears
coloring the world in pink hues
me
you
fascination
at what is and could be
too fast
too much
too false
too real
too complicated
and all the while
heart beats
builds
burdened by desire and want and need
insatiable
beating out a rhythm of longing
yield to it
free from constraints and expectations
and reality
free to taste and touch and see
endless possibilities and dreams
floating away
lost inside the us we have become
heart surges
full
full of fantasies and new beginnings
and second chances
flash forward
heart beats
beating till time and space cease
till matter comes to rest in fragments
and only what once was, remains
a beat
barely heard
but still there
heart still beating your song

Honeymoon Desires

If we could live this way
caught up in first tender buds of love
to always know that what you see is me
to choose this slow embrace
between courage and identity
hope on crested peaks
washed away by what i see in you
entwined by reality and longing and imagination
my light, resting in your eyes
and i find myself there
in you
fading into a bottomless dream

Unexpected

you entered like a sudden squall
dissipating the emptiness within
chasing away the clouds that had settled, nestled there, in a soul-less sky

creeping from shadows and thoughts unknown
unbidden and unexpected
igniting a spark that had long ago died and withered away

hope, an undercurrent that threatens now to spill over
heart beats in your remembrance
joy planted firmly in a newly toiled ground, choking out all doubt and despair

this is my unexpected happiness
it bears your name

Daddy's Girl

Daddy's Girl

When I was little, you were there to kiss away my tears and alleviate my fears
you taught me to be strong,
to face the world,
to be the best me

you taught me that life is what you make of it
that even when the world tries to crush you
and even when your heart has been broken into a trillion pieces no longer visible to the naked eye
that i was your forever girl

you taught me that kindness and compassion are attributes to be cherished
that all people have worth (even if you have to dig for it)
and that the only thing of real value in this world is not to be found in possessions or professions, but in people.

you taught me that life is short
that love can last a lifetime
that good men do exist
that i should never settle, but instead hold out for the best

you taught me that love is worth suffering through and for
you taught me that joy can be found in simple things
and that family is not always bound by blood, but tethered by love
you taught me to move forward even when the way back looked safer

when i was little you protected me, directed me, affected me

now you are gone.

You are gone, but you remain
I'm forever changed
you stay burrowed into my thoughts and deeds
your lessons etched into the fiber of my being
part of who I am is wrapped up in who you were and are to me

Daddy's girl, always and forever.

Forever Falling

i let you in
and in you came
crawled deep inside
and curled up
under caverns and in shadows
and settled there
won't budge
or depart
merciless mocking my heart
you etched your name deep within
and it can't be removed or even faded
my love for you
streaking across my mind like falling stars in a night sky
forever falling into an abyss that grows deeper
stretching to infinity
beyond all reason or imagination
forever falling into memories and wishful thinking
and you left me
but didn't
and won't
and can't
you planted your roots deep
choking out hope for anything beyond you and me
and all i see when i look down into my garden is the budding flowers of my love
and the stranglehold of weeds that have grown there
cutting off my love and soul
leaving me desolate and broken
i cannot remove you
remove myself from this destruction
i hold myself there
surrounded by regret and pain
and cradle it to me

Lost

Lost in her own world of fairy tales and illusions
she stands alone while the crowd presses against her like a surging wave
bound to this life of solitude
her own design and desire
...and despair

Lost in this place
this time
this space
lost in herself
lost in who she is
and who she is not
or how the world sees her
if at all

lost in familiar battlefields she has traversed before
and will over and again
constant war for who she was
and is
and ought to be
a war that has run its jagged edges upon her soul
engraved its signature mark upon her heart
that fresh, seeping wound that time may heal
...or not

it's a crying shame

Its a crying shame that you played me so
got me so low
you let me go

Its a crying shame that you aren't a man
can't make a plan
don't give a damn

Creator of my pain
you kissed my tears away
then made them spring again

And its a crying shame that you can't see the best in me
the best of me
the rest of me

It's a crying shame that you'd just up and leave
no room to grieve
no urge to cleave

Excuses and petty games
while I wait for you to take my hand
and make a stand

And it's a crying shame I'm stuck on you
that I feel so blue
that I love you true

It's a crying shame but not meant to be
so I'll let you go
and set me free

pendulum

you
me
us
we
never
took
that chance
to be
whatever
might have been
lost
beyond
all scope
and repair
twisting
turning
longing
yearning
it ain't gonna happen
just a pendulum swing
between dreams and reality
between what we are and meant to be
and there's no going back
or forward
or even staying still
stuck in perpetual motion
of no movement at all

Unspoken

it should be so easy to complete the sentence
yet tongue knotted in red ribbons
of all that can not be spoken
or will not be uttered

my mind
silenced by the doubt that dwells within
weighted down by heart and reason
callous and roughened by your touch

my heart
a garden path you've trodden upon and into
a house you've torched for vindictive pleasure
and cast adrift on this sea of sorrow

My body
a temple that you desecrated
stripped me bare and left wanting
a false idol you toppled with no second glance

I'm the casualty of your indecision
a by product of not knowing what you want
living only in pockets of here and now
and its never enough to satisfy

You stepped back into the shadows
into unknown places, untouched spaces
where I neither knew nor could follow
taking my heart away

i offered all
yet cannot sway you
to and fro you swing
temperature rises and cools and rises

and cools

and i wait for it to rise again
for that brief moment
where I am enough and everything
and our 'WE' stamps out your fear
and you let go by holding on to me

US

I stand here
waiting in the shadow of your indecision
don't know what you want or think or feel
so we tippy-toe around
a familiar beat

playing games or mating ritual?
whatever it is, it's not enough for me anymore
this dance
hiding myself away
stuffing down the rising tide of being in love with you

and these feelings keep coming
like a summer downpour
all blues and honey toned
warm and inviting and
I wash myself away in you

I lose myself in those tangible moments
brief and bittersweet
when I and You are all that is in the world
and earth and time and space no longer exist
just the US we create in a stolen embrace

Your arms speak to me in months and years
Your kiss tells me the story of our grand love affair
and I see myself reflected in your eyes
this makes me smile and long and hope
and despair

Is it contradictions or fear that bars the way?
or just good old fashioned blindness?
Fight or flight is inevitable
what do you want?
Cause I want you

I gave my heart to you

I gave my heart to you
packaged it up in bows and ribbons
and moments filled with all consuming joys
and lent it- as a long term offering- to you
given, if so desired, for a life time
a life term

I would have gladly sacrificed my dreams
to build a monument to your own

given my last breath if you had want or need

I would have loved you
like no other can or would or will

given my all to make you my everything.


but it still would not have been enough

to the depths of the sea
or to the height of the stars
beyond imagination or actuality
my love was without end or bounds

I gave my heart to you
knowing that you would only break it
gave it anyway because it was you
and my heart desired pain over practicality

I built my castle in the sky
tethered by my hope of your love
and watched hope falter and fail
under the weight of obligations

and now here i lie
alone in these complications
mind muddled by reality
every thought clouded by you

I gave my heart to you
and now i take it back
bruised, battle weary and bloodied
forevermore to sound a broken beat

broken love

you take me down
with a blow to my heart
and gutted i fall to my knees
blinded by what was love
turned to dust and bile

face washed in bitter regret
longing just a stifled hope in my chest
pushed down and away
deep recesses which break into nothingness

my love was my deceit and despair
a cruel joke of fate's design
made crueler still under your touch
and by my misbegotten belief that this was "it"

my heart enslaved to yours for all intents and purposes
and you deny me my soul and desire
burdened instead with insatiable appetite for unrequited love
if that is what it ever was

consumed

consumed by grief i put my love away
draw closed the curtains
shut up shop and house and being
and lock up my heart
so that love lives here no more
and will not abide again

Love will find no safe harbor here
and i will not guarantee safe passage
or that its moorings will not break free
and smash the vessel upon my broken shore

consumed by my emptiness i toss love aside
like a mistress cruel and indifferent
where love has become a tired old has-been
no longer fit for human consumption
or worth the trek down foolish fantasies
and garden paths or beaten tracks

Love is but a fugitive
a figure of speech
an unwanted desire with no point or purpose
a disease that shackles one to futile wants
and i don't need to taste the bitterness of such sweet desire

consumed

Get Me Off This Carousel

get me off this carousel
this roundabout and ferris wheel
always on the same old strand
leading back to no mans land
waiting in vain fantasies
plagued by all uncertainties

and you
this mirage before my eyes
who cruelly left me without goodbyes
who stole my heart and crushed my soul
who brings me life and makes me whole

break me out of this cage of lies
where silence is full of heart mournful cries
where promises are covered by dust and grime
and loving you is my life's crime

take me away from this loving space
where every look i glimpse your face
and joy has sounded her retreat
your love lost is my defeat

my love sprung up like summer weeds
choked all thought and sense and needs
and left me here broken and bound
but you don't care, you're not around

hate took love by the hand and cut its throat
a sea of sorrow yet hope keeps afloat
hate brandishes a scar upon my back
holds high a mirror to all i lack

i lack you

get me off this carousel
this roller coaster
this one way hell
lead me far from all I think and feel
for you love me not, you are not real

it could be feelings or a bladder infection

This poem is from a male view point on being brokenhearted:


balls busted by that thing called love
or whatever it might have been
i prefer to think of it as indigestion
not gonna readily admit that you broke me down
that all that is left of me are the tattered remains of a lesser man
i condemn my feelings
feelings!
pass me another beer so i can forget that i feel anything at all
or ever did
feelings
i suffocate them
search out and destroy like a heat seeking missile
it could be feelings
or a bladder infection
I'm gonna go with that
or anything else
as long as it ain't close enough to the truth
that feeling this way about you,
about anyone at all,
is not what i want to do or be
so i take these 'feelings'
wretched and over-rated
and shove them down
bury them deep
pile on dirt and stuff and things
till nothing is left of love or 'feelings'
till I'm left with my hollowness
love is for the living
and I'm just a grave of a being

I Hate You

I hate you

No
That's not right

hate is a four letter word
too small to express

Loathe?
Despise?
closer to the depth of how I feel

No
that's not right

Hate is just a feeling
but not the truth

And I despise myself
for loving you

I wait
for my love to turn
to wilt away

I wait
for the arduous heat of hate
to ravage my soul
and make me whole
again

I wait
for love to cool
and for hate to become more than
thought or feeling
but my truth for you

I hate you

No
that's not right

I love you

I love you

I love you
it's truth
3 simple words
all for you
spoken in secret
like a quiet hush in a sanctuary

I love you
can't help myself
my heart
yours for the taking
even the breaking

It's worth the wound
the festering, poisonous,
gaping wound
that you might leave me with
when you take my heart away
and deny me yours

I love you
It's that simple
can't deny
won't lie
just flow into what it means

Love is you and I
entwined
rewind the past
and come back to me
regret is still savored
for my love
though lost on you
still sweet
ever present
ever lasting
I am yours
you are mine
for this moment

I love you still

I am

I'm like a gutted fish
insides splayed out
and there is nothing left
besides blood and gore and what I used to be

I'm like a fallen tree
stripped bare
toppled by shifting sediment
where cool winds howl through my hollowness

I'm like a changing tide
coming and going
restless in my surging forward and streaming back
tumbling in sand and sea and salt and swell

I'm like a lovestruck girl
whose heart was freely given
and returned to her in piles and buckets
and torn asunder

No, not like;

I AM

I AM a lovestruck girl
who gave her heart freely, without fear or reservation
a heart with your name written upon it
a name you destroyed
and burnt down the bridges of hope
and stole all joy and innocence

and you left me here
and here i remain
wallowing in the remnants of my grand love affair
(or delusion as most might name it)

maybe I'm just a broken toy you tired of and cast aside

or the punchline of an all too bad joke

This is a death sentence
and I am a prisoner of my own design
trapped here without you
yet you are the one constant on my mind

am I on yours?

once?
often?
ever?
never?

I'll not know for sure whether I was real for you or just marking time
but it doesn't matter what I am to you, if I was anything at all,
I know what you were to me and what I AM now, molded by your own imperfections
and what I will be, when tears cease and love springs again under the direction or another masters hand

The Universe is a Bitch

The Universe spat you back out at me
after I'd long put you to bed and rest
and washed away my love for you
but remnants remained
like a fine silt over my heart
and the Universe saw this and knew
that love, once had bloomed,
could bud forth again
so the Universe,
Spiteful Bitch
brought you back
to taunt and tease
to make me see
that all is nothingness without you
The Universe knows this
and mocks my pain
tantalizing me with thoughts of you
Spiteful Bitch
to take my love and make it shame
to rip apart my joy, dressed in all its finery
and render me hopeless in my knowledge
that
With you, I AM all
convergence of perfection
whole and happiness entwined
and with you is never to be

fragments

You were my hopes and dreams
love incarnate
formed out of hidden tears and secret longings
you were the unspoken wishes i could not bear to say aloud
least I break the spell
wildest imaginings could not have perfected such want
or need
You were everything to me

this girl, fool of fools
my desire a fickle mistress
love captured
the ecstasy brief
and nothing gained
but bitter truth that I built you out of ether
with no concrete foundations to set my feet or rest my head
you were just a figment, a shadow
and yet I broke myself upon you
I broke myself into a thousand tiny fragments
and I called them
sorrow
shame
pity
pain
agony
anger
humiliation
humbling
deceit
despair
these fragments, with edges jagged
cutting me deeper
ribbon-ed and raw
stretch out alongside the shell of who I used to be

I saw you

I saw you
for who you really are
and all that you are not
cause I stripped away your mask long ago
and I saw you there
shallow shell
At first, I offered you sincerity
and you ripped it up like weeds choking a garden
and I was just another in your long line of fleeting fancies

Well I won't be forced to vie for your affections
this is not a ruse to amuse
not a game to stave off times pressing matters
I'm not a project or a 'fixer- upper"
I'm not an easy read to lose yourself in on a lonely Sunday afternoon
or the freak show in town for a limited viewing
You can't pass me by like time or inconsequential friends
or play me like a merry tune
I saw through the painted veil
saw you - YOU
and you knew it
and cut me down and out
and set me free
while you remain there entangled
in your lies and illusions
wondering why nothing lasts
why all you touch turns to ash
and wastes away under your instruction
I saw you
and didn't like the view
confined to your blinders
fettered to fear
consumed by the knowledge you are quite possibly nothing
so you take your shame and pass it on
denying that the root of all cause and agony lies within your grasp
and I saw it all
cause I saw who you are and not who you pretend to be
and your love turned to disdain and destruction
but it no longer matters to me

the wait

patience is a virtue I can no longer bear
waiting
always at the ready
hoping that today will be the day
a moment in the sun instead of a lifetime in the dark
but the day ends as all others
and I'm still waiting
edging closer to all hopes dissipation
i put away dreams and faith
hide them away in a box in the back of the closet
marked "what should be."
loneliness
i can take it
i lie to myself
still, i find myself afraid
an all too bitter reality
he's not coming
my eyes search horizon
longing
hoping
my eyes search and find nothing to rest their gaze upon
another day will soon be here
and then another
and another
and it goes on
all this waiting
and wishing
and hoping against hope
that he will come
for me
for us

Love's First Moment

Love's first moment
the meeting a juncture of state and being
not yet defined or enabled
through time immaterial
it was always you that had long been in the fabric of my thoughts
seeded deep within my soul
lovers awaken
immortalized in this moment
I etched your name upon my heart
and spoke it aloud til the wind carried it away
borne it up and over the world
so that existence knew it was always you
I painted the sky in ruby hues
my love emblazoned across the face of the earth
and there was no escape to the madness
my heart throbbing, beating
its sound a crescendo
a symphony of all that is right and good
joy surged from depths unknown
like happiness til now had just been a figment
my life a hollow shell
merely functioning as we are wont to do
an awakening occurred
realization that I had been a doll
void of truth and reality
until your entrance redefined
reshaped
renewed
and brought me out of darkness into glorious light
all is illuminated
the night sky is as the day
and the day is without shadow or shelter
and I stand
intoxicated by you and I
held here forever
in this
our loves
first moment

I Left You

I left you
shaded beneath the tree
left you to wilt away
before you left me
all skies grey and obsolete
and the pain goes away
eventually
I left you
in the pouring rain
left you to drown
in your shame
I won’t be your fool
won't play these games or bend the rules
or take my heart and break it over you
it was just a matter of time
before you left me too
I left you
you ain't worth the time
or a tear
or a smile
or a single breath
I was blind when I saw you
and now I see
so I let you go
left you by the wayside
before you left me

the knot

invasive thoughts
abandon all reason
this solitude
self imposed
one track mind
twisting and turning
and all the while
ending up right back where we started
with this knot in the pit of my being
love knot
tied hard
over time seized into one
so i can't find an end or a beginning
just here
left with this knot
in the pit of my being
can't cut it out or let it go
its more a part of me than anything gone before
the weight of it wears me down
a burden freely carried
born to be expressed
and denied
but for secret moments
stolen for pleasure
and the knot
ever tightening
compressing against my chest
giving life
mocking my hope
urging it on
and this knot
in the pit of my being
a love knot
born of you
for you
it chokes out the light
all consuming
it tightens and constricts
til death us do part

Best

You are quick to flow your judgment near
Two cents given but not exchanged
You take what you will
impose
suppose
Thinking you know what lies within, with all
But keep yourself hidden
Hide behind the wall
Shackled by your insecurities
Fashioned by fear
Built up by illusion
Giving yourself away by not giving yourself to anyone
Foolish in your fantasies
You lay the shame
bring the blame
Don’t look within to settle the score
Perfection is hardly an art you've mastered
The blade glistens before you twist
My back at your mercy
But mercy does not live here
Only "ought to's" and "should have done's"
And your delusion
That you know what’s best for me
Though you know not what is best for you

The Break Up

Everyone tells me it’s the right thing to do
Bottle up all my hopes and dreams
And toss them into an unforgiving sea
Unyielding to my wants
Washing away all need and thought
And yet you stick in my mind
Constant reminder
That I was wrong about you
And me
What were we?
A dream?
A false hope?
A cruel twist of fate and fear and fantasy entwined?
And you
The abandon-er
My patron saint of lost causes
Its over
I know this
Head knowledge
Heart slower to follow
Running around in circles
Looking for that faint touch
A glimmer of hope
A slither of light to pierce the shadows
And finding only black and cold and bitterness
You are a stranger to me
And you made me a stranger to myself
I broke myself open for you
Like the crest of a wave surging forward
To cast itself upon the shore
Your shore
Of rocks and stone and glass
And empty promises
I gave my all
As one does in this thing called love
My all met your nothingness
And was consumed
Engulfed
You feasted on my sweetness
And returned only bile
And still my heart whispered your name like a prayer
What were we?
An illusion
A hard lesson
Unknowing joy and untempered pain
And I’d do it all again

It Just Is What It Is

it just is what it is
another mistake
judgment deferred
in a long line
stretching out across time
and down the road
where there’s no going back

it just is what it is
too late to undo what's been done
or said
or felt
and I was willing
to discover what we could be
this thing between us
like an unpolished gem which needs refinement
now already tarnished
and the sparkle has faded

it just is what it is
you stepped back
or did I?
doesn't really matter
it's over before it even began
and maybe it’s better
no heartbreak on the horizon
no tears to wash away all memory of you
no joy in remembrance
and no losing myself in you
to you

it just is what it is
love
that’s not what this is
might have been
were we not star crossed lovers
but you are set in stone
and I was born to fly

it just is what it is
love ebbs softly and retreats unscathed
and I wash my hands and walk away
you are no more to me than a pleasant day
enjoyed, even savored, in the moment
but gone with no regrets or longing

it just is what it is

untitled (June 2)

Expectations to be the same as you
Falling into nothingness by self denial
Drowning who I am to fit in
Acceptance
On your terms

Choking on the circumstance
Dying

Sacrifice my sanity and soul
To be a mediocre me

...to be you
And I just can't do it
Not even with a gun to my head

Its one moment
This life
All too quickly gone
And I won't pass by this way again

Live true
Step up and out
Shine
Blaze across the sky like a streaking star
Comfortable with who I am
And what I need
And want
Unburdened by your baggage
So check your expectations at the door
Bury your judgments deep inside yourself
Cause I won't wear them
Or build a monument in their image
I won't be shackled to your discomfort
Or enslaved to adopt false idols
I'll just be me
At my best and worst
And color the world in my own hue
Burning bright
This me
For you
Each of us the face of God

In the Garden of My Deceit

In the garden of my deceit
Where love blossomed
Weighted down the branches
Fragrance filling the air
Thick
Heavy
Full
And the sun kissed me
In gentle rays of yellow and gold
And warmed the ice that had settled there

Songbirds rested
Nestled in my happiness
And filled the air with bird song
Sweet lullaby of contentment
And the wind blew a soft caress
And all was perfection
In the garden of my deceit
*****
In the garden of my deceit
A shadow lingered
Grew
Overcame
And weeds choked out the sun and light
The birds song - a woeful mourn
And the flowers died
Leaves fell to earth
And turned to dust
And the putrid stench of decay
Rank
And reviled
Filled the air
And you were no more to me
Nor I to you
And my garden became a wasteland
Inhospitable
And barren
And nothing grew there anymore
Or again
In this garden
My garden
Where love was a lie
And desire deceit

Who are you?

Who are you?
You think you know so much, know it all
That you are free to burden me with your misconceptions
Don’t condescend to me
Don’t scheme behind my back or to my face
Don’t tread on my dreams for lack of your own
Be who you are
IF you think you can
Do you know who that is?

Who are you?
Here's the situation from my P O V
You don't know yourself and you don't know me
You think you got it all figured out
Got every I dotted and every t crossed
But you don't even know if you are coming or going
Ebbing or flowing
Stagnant or growing

Who are you?
Talking big talks
Walking teeny walks
You don't match up to what you preach
Expect me to take it
When you can't make it
Can’t even fake it
Who are you?

love suffers

Your love bloomed then grew old and tired
and died away
and you left me here to unravel in the sorrow of my solitude.
Tangible only in my memories.
Body aches.
Heart breaks
And I miss you.

Every moment a mockery.
Lovers kiss a poisoned lie.

I miss your kiss.

Sweet nothings and empty urgings
I poured myself out upon the ashes of our love
Longing for that which can never be.
Never was.

Broken and beating, still my heart clings to this ideal
That love suffers long and much
It hopes for all and believes with eyes unseen
That true love never returns to us void or unrequited
And love, that mistress that drives us to the brink of madness and pleasure both, cannot be forsaken

Thank You but I Don't Think So

You say you know me, say you care,
but you ain't here.
Care is hollow words tossed about frivolously and in sullen moods of self importance.
You say you know me, that you'll be there.
But there is not here, never here.
To lean on you is like the vapor of an august wind
felt for a moment like an innocent caress and then out of reach
Or need
Or want.

Thank you but I don't think so.
Don't need you to sing my blues or watch my back or give me clues
Don't need you to hold my hand, to guide me through, to make a plan

Thank you but I don't think so
Don't need the pretense, the swollen lies
Don't need false kiss or sweet goodbyes

Thank you but I don't think so
Don't need you to lead the way, to storm my dreams, to save the day
Don't need you and never did so thank you but I don't think so
I'll be alright without you

We Never Existed

I want you back but you never existed
An illusion
Or delusion
Smoke and mirrors
A vapor that can't be claimed
My imaginary romance
All too real
On this side
My side
Alone
You left me
But you were never really here to begin with
A figment of vain hopes
And foolish fantasies
Maybe I conjured you up out of the ether
Breathed life into that which never was
All the while a puppet on your string
You were the ocean
And I was a pale moon longing to stretch myself out over your waters
Let you bask in my love
You built my love up
And let it go
Like my love was always meant to be a broken rainbow
Or just broken
I want you back but you never existed
Not for me
For us
You were never real
Never true
Always hollow
And you took my love
Freely given
Yours for the taking
No holds barred
You took my love
And you disfigured it
Ripped the edges and burnt it to the ground
Till I could no longer recall love's beauty
And only pain filled my lungs and ears and soul
And I became shipwrecked upon the shore of your love
And my light burnt out
And I was left standing alone
In the darkness
In the cooling waters of your deceit
In the reality that we never really existed at all

Welcome

I write poetry to express a sentiment, a thought, a feeling. Poems, like music, are a universal language but they can be often misunderstood. Like the bastard child no one wants to talk about, poems often seem obscure and, to the uneducated, a little daunting.

Poems that require hours of analysis and dissection in order to understand its musings are not necessarily superior to all other forms of writing. We have been conditioned to believe that if we don't understand it, or it takes days to 'get it' that it must be good, no, even great, writing. But sometimes, a complex feeling expressed in simplistic terms takes on a beauty of its own.

I write what I feel at the time, and none of these poems have been agonized over for more than a few hours tops. They may be raw, but they are real. They may not be laden in subtext, but you'll get the point. Poetry should be savored by all, not a few. Like music, it should be enjoyed, be accessible and ultimately speak to the soul.

I have been writing poetry for many years and have kept my poems cradled in my heart, sharing some with very few. But this year I am challenging myself to step out and part of that step is to put my writing, and in essence me, out there. So here I am...hope you enjoy the poems that will be posted here and do let me know what you think.

Warmly,

Sally

By the way: Feel free to check out my other blogs:
I am Awesome (when I don't suck) which is all about how awesome I truly am and how you can be too! @ sallyawesome.blogspot.com
and
It's Not Me, It's You (@nogothirdbase.blogspot.com) which deals with my many, many dating disasters