Postscript

I just wanted to add as a postscript
or as the final nail in the coffin
that you meant something to me
at one time
and its not that you don't mean anything now
it's just that things have changed
I've rearranged my point of view
no longer confused or misinformed about what this is
and I've taken me out of the equation
leaving only you
equals nothing
i broke down the pieces
sliced them up and recounted
and found that you and me
are no longer greater than the sum of all these parts
and the post mortem shows that life stopped breeding there long ago
just a vacant shell
and there is nothing more
nothing was

A Stranger to Myself

this is what I've become

stranger in familial land

besieged by doubts

betrothed to my fears

broken by shame

denial is a state of mind

and being

joy

a lost cause

a bridge burnt

casting me adrift from who I used to be

you took me

like a clumsy thief who understands not the value of immaterial things

vandalized

a bastardized version of my former self

a stranger

that's what I am now

a stranger to myself

Love was a vagrant mistress

Love was a vagrant mistress
tethered beyond my grasp
taunting me with just a taste of her greatness
i searched for her tender touch
and was left wanting
so i tore down love's refrain
and searched no more
i built a glass house around my heart
so it could still be seen
could still break
...in case of emergencies
my heart became an empty vessel
encased in a tomb
left to wither away
to rot
untouched
abandoned by the past and present
left to fall silent
beat out
til love was only a murmur
muttered in small dark spaces
and my heart became cold and black and still
and bled out in the name i could no longer recall

A letter to myself

At the risk of seeming completely cuckoo
I must take the here and now to remind myself
that this is no time for love and other complications
So dear heart
stop this faster beat in the rhythm of his name
cease and desist those vain fantasies echoing his sweet embrace
Pull yourself together girl!
beyond the dream lies reality
intoxication quickly erodes
and I'll be left with a constant truth
nothing this good lasts
or is even real
just a farce
a false hope
god- i sound so cynical!
when did the dreamer in me awaken to the harsh cold light of day?
when did i stop believing that love was possible?
or probable?
still
I can't deny I may wish to fall
but its not a notion i can afford to entertain
can't relinquish control in surrender to him
utter madness to let go and madness to not
let go
take a step back
breath
enjoy the moment
but hope for nothing in return
and heart,
dear even still in your brokenness and ill repair,
beat only for the beauty of all life
not just in unison for the love of one
though he can no more do what others have already begun

Seeking

seeking truth
finding you
caught by imagination
beguiled by fantasy
slapped about by reality

seeking love
a fragile hope
cannot be contained or captured
enraptured
a tease in the twist of fate

seeking joy
sold a lie
happiness comes from within
sparked by outer events
joy a fleeting mistress

seeking space
a quiet solitude in a crowded room
an empty vessel
incomplete together and alone
catch 22

seeking

Mere Complications

mere complications
is how I choose to see the situation
easily overcome
by walking away
or ignorance
bliss is no longer an option
factored out by reality
still can't blame a girl for trying

mere complications
the fact that you are too blind to see
or perhaps just foolish in your fickleness
lost in a sea of regret
moored to the past
stuck
empty
chasing an illusion
maybe it's worth the wait?

mere complications
same old, same old
attempting new trails
but all pathways led back to starting point
strike out
empty handed
but it can't last forever
this over-reaching

mere complications
nothing changes
but time
I move forward
and backwards
making ground
losing self
forever a battle of preservation

mere complications
thick and fast
weighting me down
finding their mark
but I refuse to remain a target
refuse to run aground
to stay complacent
I will attain freedom or die in the attempt
you can't blame a girl for trying

Beat

this heart
beating
little at first
rising to a crescendo
loud in my ears
coloring the world in pink hues
me
you
fascination
at what is and could be
too fast
too much
too false
too real
too complicated
and all the while
heart beats
builds
burdened by desire and want and need
insatiable
beating out a rhythm of longing
yield to it
free from constraints and expectations
and reality
free to taste and touch and see
endless possibilities and dreams
floating away
lost inside the us we have become
heart surges
full
full of fantasies and new beginnings
and second chances
flash forward
heart beats
beating till time and space cease
till matter comes to rest in fragments
and only what once was, remains
a beat
barely heard
but still there
heart still beating your song

Honeymoon Desires

If we could live this way
caught up in first tender buds of love
to always know that what you see is me
to choose this slow embrace
between courage and identity
hope on crested peaks
washed away by what i see in you
entwined by reality and longing and imagination
my light, resting in your eyes
and i find myself there
in you
fading into a bottomless dream

Unexpected

you entered like a sudden squall
dissipating the emptiness within
chasing away the clouds that had settled, nestled there, in a soul-less sky

creeping from shadows and thoughts unknown
unbidden and unexpected
igniting a spark that had long ago died and withered away

hope, an undercurrent that threatens now to spill over
heart beats in your remembrance
joy planted firmly in a newly toiled ground, choking out all doubt and despair

this is my unexpected happiness
it bears your name