Grief from A to Z

Alone with this
bruised and broken
crushing weight
devastates
everything within
forsaken and weary in this
guilt I wear
habitually tied to myself
I find no
joyful recourse
knotting our moments together
love lost in the disarray of
memories and “should have beens”
neglecting
once held
peace which now alludes me in frantic paces
questions quietly weigh down my thoughts
rampant disillusionment seeks me out
suffering through sleepless nights
tormenting myself with
“Until we meet again” and
vivid imaginations of
what I could have done (or said)
Excerpts to what I had begun
yielding a different outcome yet knowing in the end the answer lies in
zilch

My Grief is a Garden

My Grief is a garden 
Rampant weeds stretch out 
Coiling themselves around what used to blossom there 
Clogging the soil of my heart 
Choking out the bloom of reason
This new garden thrives under the caress of my tears
Tears which spill out, 
pouring in thick, 
heavy 
splotches
Hitting my earth with a thud
Soaking into the fertile ground of loss

The Sorrow

The sorrow

The sorrow is a black stone that weighs me down
It is a harsh and frigid winter morning of pale grey light
It is a brisk feathered breeze off the ocean of your absence
The sorrow is found in the solitude of your silence
In each thought that trails back to you and lingers there
It lies in the pit of my belly
Curling into a constant ache
The sorrow clings a mask of regret upon my face
Its eyes are an endless crimson sky
Its mouth a gaping wound that swallows my heart in mournful wail
The sorrow feeds itself
Expanding in this Universe of inbetween sky and reason
And burns out the sun in its pain
Burdens the soul with things left undone
and smudges the edges of each new day
The sorrow brings little comfort or joy
A discoloration of content
It is every stolen breath
It is the end of peace
The sorrow is a season
Long and slow like shadows that stretch out
Tumbling and gushing like the ebb and flow on the sea of my hope
That soon a new dawn will come

I say goodbye

I kissed my mother's cheek
Shook my fathers hand
My throat constricted tight with all the words I could not say
so I nod and smile
And I set my face so they would not see my fear
for what awaits

Their forced smiles bright
Forced smiles that wore away their youth
We made light, as best we could in such circumstances
Yet my mothers hug lingered
And my fathers hand clasped mine tight, till the knuckles were splotched white

I am no longer a child
But how I long to curl myself against them
To melt into the protective shield of my mothers arms

I say goodbye

I lie pressed against soggy earth
Its cool embrace brings no comfort
Never again will I feel my mothers kiss upon my cheek
My breathe comes out in sharp-edged gasps
I cannot stop the fear from rising and crashing like a broken shore
for what awaits

My blood empties itself into that dark, unfamiliar land

Dust to dust

My hands, knuckle white, washed crimson, clutch against the gaping wound in the landscape of my body
I feel nothing
No pain
No peace
Only fear
fear that has worn away my youth

I am only a child
I long for the protective shield of my mothers arms
The firm grasp of my fathers hands

I say goodbye

(written Anzac Day 2018) (- 100 Years)

NaPoWriMo -April 18th

My relentless fortitude
Fades into oblivion
Dissolves away the pain
Where sky and sea collide
Restart the day
And play it safe

And play it safe
Restart the day
Where sea and sky collide
Dissolves away the pain
Fades into oblivion
My relentless fortitude

NaPoWriMo - April 13th Where to from here?

Where to from here
That may be the actual question
It's not enough to be
Or not to be
Or do
Or do not
Where to from here
When you are down
And not quite out
Thinking about the 'what if's'
And could be's
And should have been...
Like it ain't already hard enough
Work too hard
For nothing
No gains
Nothing remains
Only pains
And my suffering is a failure that I push upon myself
Denying my joy as all possibilities suffocate
Left to my fate
To stay
To go
To waste away
Wallow in more years of hollow victories in being the
'Perfect, passionate person.'
And it doesn't mean much
Except everything
Watching others clamber up the carcass of those they willingly sacrifice in the gauntlet to get ahead
Wish my ego had that kind of tenacity and no sense of justice or 'do good to all.'
Then maybe I would join them
A lofty view won by turning people into commodities
A vision navigated by fear and circumvented by insecurity
While people like me, still attached to their integrity, wonder
Where to from here?

NaPoWriMo- April 10th He Used to Call me on His Cell Phone

Somewhat to the tune of Drakes "Hotline Bling"

Lovingly mocking my darlings inability to remember where he set his phone down and the daily chaos that has since ensued looking for it.  (Update: he brought a new one to tide him over because we, like most people, are used to living with the intimate convenience offered in the digital age.)


He used to call me on his cell phone
send me texts and pictures too
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost and he don't know what to do
Every evening was just the same
He would use it while he played a game
Or he'd watch a billion YouTube vids
or check out the latest Trade me bids
Yeah he used to call me on his cell phone
and I guess probably other people too
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost and he don't know what to do
We've searched through our entire house
but nothing stirred not even a mouse
We checked out the cars and garbage cans
but damn that phone it's like it grew legs and ran
He used to call me on his cell phone
but now it's lost legit
He used to call me on his cell phone
He should have put a ring on it